Jack Benny: Jack Benny

Quotes 

• Jack Benny : Believe me, when you get in trouble with the Internal Revenue department, it can be pretty serious. I don't know, they can fine you or put you in prison.

  Rochester Van Jones : I don't blame you for being worried.

  Jack Benny : Who's worried. I'm just a little upset, that's all.

  Rochester Van Jones : Boss, why don't you let me fix you a little scotch & soda?

  Jack Benny : No, I don't want any Alcatraz - I mean alcohol.

• Ed, the Vault Guard : Halt, who goes there? Friend or foe?

  Jack Benny : Friend.

  Ed, the Vault Guard : What's the password?

  Jack Benny : A fool and his money.

  Ed, the Vault Guard : Oh, it's you, Mr. Benny.

• Jack Benny : I wasn't even thinking about those tax men.

  [doorbell rings] 

  Jack Benny : Income... I mean, come in.

• Ted Schills : Suppose someone does find the entrance to your vault in the living room, he descends the stairs, lets see now, he gets through the minefield, through the poison gas, under the flame thrower, and then through that door with the locks, gets across the bridge and survives the alligators, then what's to prevent him from getting in there and getting your money?

  [a huge blade comes out of the wall hitting the floor right next to him] 

  Jack Benny : Does that answer your question?

  Ted Schills : Not only answers my question, it sharpened my pencil.

• Jack Benny : That's probably the smog that's seeping in down here.

  Ed, the Vault Guard : Smog?

  Jack Benny : Yes, yes, smog. That's a condition they have up there in the air that's caused from the exhaust of, you know, automobiles.

  Ed, the Vault Guard : Au-to-mo-biles?

  Jack Benny : Yes, you see, we haven't got horses anymore or street cars, we have automobiles. I'll explain that to you later. Anyway, the smog has gotten to be so serious, you know, that they were thinking very seriously of taking it right to Washington, you know.

  Ed, the Vault Guard : Well I hope George does something about it.

  Jack Benny : George isn't with us anymore.