M*A*S*H (TV Series)
April Fools (1980)
Jamie Farr: Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger
Photos
Quotes
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Father Francis Mulcahy : [Wearing a dress] While I was showering, someone stole my robe and left me this... this... house frock!
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger : Better not take it off, Father, or you'll be a defrocked priest!
Father Francis Mulcahy : How would you like to get last rites,
[raises his fists]
Father Francis Mulcahy : and a few lefts?
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Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger : [Pulling a sleeping Rizzo out from under a jeep] Wake up, Rizzo!
Sergeant Luther Rizzo : What? Is it lunchtime? Good. I could use a break.
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Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : That's it.
Sergeant Luther Rizzo : What?
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Reverse psychology.
Sergeant Luther Rizzo : Huh?
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : The army always does the opposite.
Sergeant Luther Rizzo : That's it!
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : If a guy wants out, he should act like he wants to stay in.
Sergeant Luther Rizzo : Yeah!... Want out? Is your hat on too tight? Where else can you be a bum and get paid for it?
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Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Klinger, did you see anybody else lurking around here earlier?
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : No. Oh, yeah! I think I saw Major Houlihan leaving. Why?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Because there's something besides my foot in my boot. And from the size of the lumps, I'd say it was oatmeal.
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Colonel Daniel Webster Tucker : They've broken you. The only decent soldier here. They've broken you! This is tragic. It's tragic. You need a long rest far away from this place.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : I dearly hope you're not talking discharge, sir. I'd sooner die.
Colonel Daniel Webster Tucker : I know it breaks your heart, soldier, but trust me, it's the only way.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : With due respect sir, as you can plainly see, I wasn't born yesterday. You're talking Section Eight. How could you shame me like that? I'll be the laughingstock of the Nile!
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Colonel Daniel Webster Tucker : [Klinger is dressed in an Egyptian costume] I don't understand. Is there gonna be a costume party?
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Oh, I hope not. I don't have a thing to wear.
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Col. Sherman T. Potter : HOLY HEMOSTAT! We're in for it now.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : For what, sir?
Col. Sherman T. Potter : Colonel Daniel Webster Tucker, lord high executioner of the surgeon general's office, is coming to observe our medical setup.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Observe doesn't sound too scary.
Col. Sherman T. Potter : This fella can observe you to smithereens. From what I hear, he's a fire and brimstone doctor with a three-second fuse. A stickler's stickler. Quotes army medical regs by memory, especially the part on courts-martial.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Uh, sir, about that three-day pass I just decided to ask for...
Col. Sherman T. Potter : Nix on passes. This is an A-1, four-alarm, red, white and blue alert.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Allah be praised I was too stupid to get into med school.
Col. Sherman T. Potter : Yeah, well, you got enough smarts to shape up these files. He's gonna examine everything from "A" to "Z" and then some. And medical supplies. Order everything you can order, including order forms.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : But, sir, I'm already drowning in paperwork.
Col. Sherman T. Potter : Well, hold onto your honker and tread water if you have to, just do it!
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Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Boy, nothing gets to you, does it?
Sergeant Luther Rizzo : Why should it? I got a good life. Room, board, 16 hours of sleep a day.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : But this place stinks.
Sergeant Luther Rizzo : Hey, Klinger, you got it all wrong. Step into my office, son. Look, the Army is a breeze once you get the hang of the Luther Rizzo secret of military success.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : What is it?
Sergeant Luther Rizzo : Never smile.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Huh?
Sergeant Luther Rizzo : The Army hates to see a man grin. It makes 'em think they've failed somehow. But moan and groan and carry on, they'll leave you all to your lonesome. Long as they know you're miserable, they're happy.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : You're kidding.
Sergeant Luther Rizzo : If I'm lyin', I'm dyin'. You can do anything you want in the Army. Just act like you don't want to do it. I'm livin' proof. Hey, play your cards right, and some day, Klinger,
[Rizzo motions to the motor pool]
Sergeant Luther Rizzo : all this can be yours.
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Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger : [dressed as Cleopatra] Come on, Colonel. I want to get home to see my mummy.