M*A*S*H (TV Series)
April Fools (1980)
Pat Hingle: Colonel Daniel Webster Tucker
Photos
Quotes
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Col. Sherman T. Potter : So don't feel bad, folks. You really didn't stand a snowball's chance in Guam.
Colonel Daniel Webster Tucker : Sherm and I have been doing this for three wars now.
Col. Sherman T. Potter : Of course, things didn't always work out so good. Remember the time we slipped the rubber hamburgers into the chow line?
Colonel Daniel Webster Tucker : Yeah. Trouble was, nobody noticed.
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Colonel Daniel Webster Tucker : They've broken you. The only decent soldier here. They've broken you! This is tragic. It's tragic. You need a long rest far away from this place.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : I dearly hope you're not talking discharge, sir. I'd sooner die.
Colonel Daniel Webster Tucker : I know it breaks your heart, soldier, but trust me, it's the only way.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : With due respect sir, as you can plainly see, I wasn't born yesterday. You're talking Section Eight. How could you shame me like that? I'll be the laughingstock of the Nile!
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Colonel Daniel Webster Tucker : Get this: I'm gonna shape this place up and I can't think of a better way to start than barring all of you from medical service.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : [laughs] Golly gee, boys and girls, are we in Dutch.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : The colonel's gonna make us stand in a corner of Korea.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : And go to bed without supper.
Maj. Charles Winchester : For which, Colonel, I shall be eternally grateful.
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Colonel Daniel Webster Tucker : [Klinger is dressed in an Egyptian costume] I don't understand. Is there gonna be a costume party?
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Oh, I hope not. I don't have a thing to wear.
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Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : [after a prank results in a broken pillow] Uh--Uh, I, uh--I take it our, uh, feathers don't tickle your fancy.
Colonel Daniel Webster Tucker : I am Colonel Daniel Webster Tucker, 8th Army, Surgeon General's Office, here to observe your medical staff in action. Now, who in the hell are you people?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Actually, we're just the medical staff.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : How are we doing so far?