- Frank Burns: [to MacArthur's aid] I'll have you know that Major Houlihan's father served under the general in World War I.
- Hawkeye: Margaret's father was a horse?
- Trapper: Frank! What are you doing?
- Frank Burns: Burning books.
- Hawkeye: Oh. Any special reason, Dr. Hitler?
- Frank Burns: One of the greatest living Americans is coming and I'm not going to let him see some of the trash that's read around here.
- Trapper: Plato's Republic? The Life of Red Grange?
- Hawkeye: Revolutionaries.
- Frank Burns: Right!
- Trapper: Robinson Crusoe?
- Hawkeye: Everybody runs around half naked.
- Trapper: Norman Mailer.
- Frank Burns: It's got *that word* in it.
- Hawkeye: Frank, you burn one more book, I'm gonna give you a dancing lesson in the mine field. Now, knock it off, gnat brain!
- Col. Whiteman: Included in the above-said time allotment for commanding officers' greeting is the introduction of inferior-grade officers.
- Hawkeye: [to Trapper] That's gotta be us!
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [rehearsing introductions to Gen. MacArthur during his visit, approaches Hawkeye and Trapper] Two of my captains.
- Hawkeye: Captain Sodom and Captain Gomorrah.
- [points to Trapper]
- Hawkeye: He's Gomorrah.
- Frank Burns: Okeydoke. You slackers do what you want. But I'm gonna show the general we're military! And I order you to clean up the unholy mess in there, and if you don't, I will!
- Hawkeye: You touch one dirty sock, you remove one layer of crud, you kill one cockroach, Frank, and I will personally grind you into a fine powder and sprinkle you on MacArthur's oatmeal!
- Trapper: What he said!
- Col. Whiteman: [briefing the 4077's staff on Gen. MacArthur's impinging visit] I'm sure you must all be excited at the idea of meeting our Supreme Commander.
- Trapper: I'm thrilled beyond repair!
- Hawkeye: My bellybutton's been puckering and unpuckering all day!
- Frank Burns: [warning Hawkeye to take a good photo of the 4077's officers and enlisted] Now make this good, Pierce! This is going into the memorial album.
- Hawkeye: Right, boss. And get in the front row, I want to catch those eyes.
- Frank Burns: [pleasantly surprised] Wilco!
- Hawkeye: Keep them spinning counter-clockwise!
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Colonel Whiteman, I just want to say that this disrespectful attitude is in no way shared by myself or Major Burns on my right.
- Trapper: On your right what?