- Klinger: Colonel Potter, sir; Corporal Klinger. I'm section eight, Head to toe. I'm wearing a Warner bra. I like to play with dolls. My last wish is to be buried in my mother's wedding gown. I'm nuts. I should be out.
- Col. Potter: Horse-hockey.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Another week in command, and I'd have had you out of that dress!
- Klinger: I'm not that easy.
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: [Turning Major Burns' bed into a bar] What do we call it?
- Hawkeye: It's in the corner. Let's call it The Corner Bar. It's been used. I got it! "Frank's Bed" now doing business as "Joe's Bar and Grill".
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: If my wife calls, I'm not here.
- Hawkeye: Henry would've loved this.
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Fair man with a bottle, you say?
- Hawkeye: Henry? He could have been a competition drinker. The man was born with a spare tank. I really miss him.
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: How about the Henry Blake Memorial Bar?
- Hawkeye: I'll buy that. Let's break it in. I'll throw out the first drunk. With any luck it'll be me.
- Col. Potter: [first day in camp; reviewing officer files] Major Margaret Houlihan.
- Margaret: Sir!
- Col. Potter: Ten years, spotless record.
- Margaret: Thank you, sir!
- Col. Potter: Major Frank Burns.
- Margaret: Just friends, sir.
- Col. Potter: [Col. Potter is drinking with Hawkeye and BJ] I had a 'still on Guam in WW2. One night it blew up! That's how I got my Purple Heart...
- Col. Potter: [meeting Hawkeye for the first time after reviewing his personnel file] I take it you drink?
- Hawkeye: Only to excess.
- Col. Potter: Horse hockey. I've seen these dodges for forty years, all the tricks. I knew one private said he was a mare, carried a colt in his arms for weeks. Another fella said he was a daisy, insisted we water him every morning. No, corporal, it ain't gonna go with me. Now you get out of that fru-fru and into a uniform and you STAY in uniform. Dismissed!
- Klinger: [to Radar who has just walked in] Radar, I'm finished! I gotta burn my bloomers!
- Radar: [camp announcement] By order of the Commanding Officer, all officers to the Commanding Officer's office, sirs.
- Radar: [Radar is sunning himself. Colonel Potter arrives and honks] Stick that horn in your ear!
- Col. Potter: On your feet, I'm Colonel Potter.
- Col. Potter: [Wondering about the name] Why "Radar"?
- Radar: Well, uh, sometimes I can tell what's gonna happen before it happens.
- Frank Burns: Another week in command and I'd have had you out of that dress.
- Klinger: I'm not that easy!
- Margaret: [Her lover Frank Burns has been replaced as temporary commander of 4077] It's a blow below the belt!
- Frank Burns: Well, we've both had plenty of those in our time.
- Col. Potter: To Harry Truman!
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: To Bess Truman. To Margaret Truman!
- Hawkeye: To err is Truman