M*A*S*H (TV Series)

Commander Pierce (1978)

Alan Alda: Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Hawkeye is the temporary CO] 

  Hawkeye : I don't know how to give orders.

  Col. Potter : That's all right. No one around here knows how to take 'em.

• Hawkeye : Damn that Hunnicutt! Where is he? Technically, he's AWOL, y'know. I could throw the book at him.

  Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan : I don't believe what I'm hearing! Since when did you join the Army?

  Hawkeye : Since it was left to me!

  Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan : If only Frank Burns could see you now. It's not so easy to be the clown when you have to run the circus, is it?

  Hawkeye : You finished, Major?

  Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan : Just one more thing... permission to say, 'it serves you right, sir!'

  Hawkeye : Permission denied, dismissed!

• Hawkeye : Now I know why they shoot people at sunrise. Who wants to live at six in the morning?

• Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly : Every day like clockwork you've gotta fill out your DD-5 and your DD-5a.

  Hawkeye : I dee-dee do?

• Hawkeye : [Radar wants Hawkeye to sign paperwork]  Radar, put all that garbage on my desk. I'll ignore it later.

  Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly : The pile on your desk is almost as high as me.

  Hawkeye : Well, how bad can that be?

• Hawkeye : Don't disturb me 'til lunch. Lunch is disturbing enough.

• Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Howdy, chief.

  Hawkeye : Whatever you want, you got it. Just allow three days for paperwork.

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : I just wanted to say hello.

  Hawkeye : In that case, two days.

• Father Mulcahy : Remember, my son, patience is a virtue.

  Hawkeye : And you're taxing my virtue.

• Hawkeye : And that's another thing! You could have at least left me the key to the liquor cabinet.

  Col. Potter : Are you kidding? Look what you're like sober.

• Hawkeye : Have a good time with the boys in Seoul? Lots of parties? Generals jumping out of cakes? Well, while you were out gallivanting, I was cooped up here with the children. The young clerk with the paper fetish. The Lebanese Machiavelli in a garter belt. Not to mention my roomie, who can't just wait for business to come in. He's gotta go out and find it.

  Col. Potter : [grinning]  They are a pesky bunch, aren't they?

  Hawkeye : If you let these people have dessert tonight, you're crazy.

• Hawkeye : Klinger, get that wheelchair over here and roll him out of here.

  Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Your command is my wish, O Temporary King of the Hill.

• Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : [Exiting]  I look forward to your demotion, sir.

  Hawkeye : That makes two of us. My door is always closed.

• Hawkeye : Are you okay?

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Yeah.

  Hawkeye : Good. Now what the hell were you doing? You think you can just waltz out of here anytime you want?

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Not now, Hawk.

  Hawkeye : Don't give me "Not now." While you were driving around playing hero, we were trying to patch together a whole platoon with only two doctors.

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Hey, I wasn't joy riding. When I go up to an aid station, it's because I'm needed.

  Hawkeye : You should've checked with me first. What you did was wrong.

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : I did exactly what Captain Pierce would have done. I don't know about Commander Pierce. I don't even know Commander Pierce, and I'm not sure I want to.

• Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Colonel, I'm glad you're back. I can't tell you how glad I am you're back.

  Hawkeye : What's that supposed to mean?

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : It means I'm glad he's back.

  Col. Potter : Down the hatch.

  Hawkeye : [the three drink]  You just won't admit that going out there without telling me was the wrong thing to do.

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : I did what I thought was right. You're only angry because somebody else made a decision.

  Hawkeye : It's my job to make the decisions.

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : WAS your job.

  Col. Potter : Up the rebels!

  Hawkeye : [the three drink]  I think the real reason you did it was to spite me.

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Spite you? I don't believe this. How do you get your head through doorways with that ego? You just won't admit you couldn't handle it.

  Hawkeye : You see what I've been putting up with?

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Do you have any idea what he's been like the last couple of days? Genghis Khan was bigger laughs.

  Col. Potter : In your eye!

  Hawkeye : [the three drink]  Considering what I had to work with, I think I did a damn good job.

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Well, that makes one of you.

  Hawkeye : Oh, yeah? If you weren't so busy trying to undermine my authority...

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Ha ha!

  Hawkeye : [to Potter]  Why aren't you helping me? You should be right in the middle of this. You're the commander.

  Col. Potter : And I'm acting like one, staying out of it till I'm needed. It's all in the timing, son. There's a time to step in and a time to back off. Pull the reins too tight, and the horse'll buck. You had good people under you. You should've let 'em go through their paces.

  [beat] 

  Col. Potter : You know, this is pretty good. Someone should be writing this down.

  [raises his glass] 

  Col. Potter : To my golden tongue!

• Hawkeye : This is great. Fantastic. Potter's not here, B.J.'s not here, Charles has never been here, and I'm left holding the bag.