- [Hawkeye is the temporary CO]
- Hawkeye: I don't know how to give orders.
- Col. Potter: That's all right. No one around here knows how to take 'em.
- Hawkeye: Damn that Hunnicutt! Where is he? Technically, he's AWOL, y'know. I could throw the book at him.
- Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: I don't believe what I'm hearing! Since when did you join the Army?
- Hawkeye: Since it was left to me!
- Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: If only Frank Burns could see you now. It's not so easy to be the clown when you have to run the circus, is it?
- Hawkeye: You finished, Major?
- Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Just one more thing... permission to say, 'it serves you right, sir!'
- Hawkeye: Permission denied, dismissed!
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Every day like clockwork you've gotta fill out your DD-5 and your DD-5a.
- Hawkeye: I dee-dee do?
- Hawkeye: [Radar wants Hawkeye to sign paperwork] Radar, put all that garbage on my desk. I'll ignore it later.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: The pile on your desk is almost as high as me.
- Hawkeye: Well, how bad can that be?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Howdy, chief.
- Hawkeye: Whatever you want, you got it. Just allow three days for paperwork.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: I just wanted to say hello.
- Hawkeye: In that case, two days.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Klinger. More water.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: I'm a little busy, Major.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Now, you insubordinate desert riff.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Riff? With all due respect, sir, may a pregnant camel give birth in your bunk.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Levantine thug!
- Hawkeye: And that's another thing! You could have at least left me the key to the liquor cabinet.
- Col. Potter: Are you kidding? Look what you're like sober.
- Hawkeye: Have a good time with the boys in Seoul? Lots of parties? Generals jumping out of cakes? Well, while you were out gallivanting, I was cooped up here with the children. The young clerk with the paper fetish. The Lebanese Machiavelli in a garter belt. Not to mention my roomie, who can't just wait for business to come in. He's gotta go out and find it.
- Col. Potter: [grinning] They are a pesky bunch, aren't they?
- Hawkeye: If you let these people have dessert tonight, you're crazy.
- Hawkeye: Klinger, get that wheelchair over here and roll him out of here.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Your command is my wish, O Temporary King of the Hill.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: [Exiting] I look forward to your demotion, sir.
- Hawkeye: That makes two of us. My door is always closed.
- Hawkeye: Are you okay?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Yeah.
- Hawkeye: Good. Now what the hell were you doing? You think you can just waltz out of here anytime you want?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Not now, Hawk.
- Hawkeye: Don't give me "Not now." While you were driving around playing hero, we were trying to patch together a whole platoon with only two doctors.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Hey, I wasn't joy riding. When I go up to an aid station, it's because I'm needed.
- Hawkeye: You should've checked with me first. What you did was wrong.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: I did exactly what Captain Pierce would have done. I don't know about Commander Pierce. I don't even know Commander Pierce, and I'm not sure I want to.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Colonel, I'm glad you're back. I can't tell you how glad I am you're back.
- Hawkeye: What's that supposed to mean?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: It means I'm glad he's back.
- Col. Potter: Down the hatch.
- Hawkeye: [the three drink] You just won't admit that going out there without telling me was the wrong thing to do.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: I did what I thought was right. You're only angry because somebody else made a decision.
- Hawkeye: It's my job to make the decisions.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: WAS your job.
- Col. Potter: Up the rebels!
- Hawkeye: [the three drink] I think the real reason you did it was to spite me.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Spite you? I don't believe this. How do you get your head through doorways with that ego? You just won't admit you couldn't handle it.
- Hawkeye: You see what I've been putting up with?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Do you have any idea what he's been like the last couple of days? Genghis Khan was bigger laughs.
- Col. Potter: In your eye!
- Hawkeye: [the three drink] Considering what I had to work with, I think I did a damn good job.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Well, that makes one of you.
- Hawkeye: Oh, yeah? If you weren't so busy trying to undermine my authority...
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Ha ha!
- Hawkeye: [to Potter] Why aren't you helping me? You should be right in the middle of this. You're the commander.
- Col. Potter: And I'm acting like one, staying out of it till I'm needed. It's all in the timing, son. There's a time to step in and a time to back off. Pull the reins too tight, and the horse'll buck. You had good people under you. You should've let 'em go through their paces.
- [beat]
- Col. Potter: You know, this is pretty good. Someone should be writing this down.
- [raises his glass]
- Col. Potter: To my golden tongue!
- Hawkeye: This is great. Fantastic. Potter's not here, B.J.'s not here, Charles has never been here, and I'm left holding the bag.