- Lt. Gage, RN: [worried about the strenuousness of piling people into jeep] Can I get a hernia?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Certainly. But rent one first, see if you really like it.
- Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: This is completely against military regulations!
- Maj. Frank Burns: Wholly unauthorized!
- Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: You've got some of my nurses in there.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I'll rinse 'em off before I return them.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [angry about overlooked shrapnel on an xray] Frank, you can't just look around, you have to feel around.
- Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: He does.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I mean during surgery.
- [last lines]
- Lt.: [paces back and forth outside post-op, then sits down on a bench, then begins to kneel in prayer when the door opens - turns] Is he going to make it?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, we could get bombed, there could be an earthquake, or Frank could operate on him again!
- Maj. Frank Burns: Twerp!
- Local Koreans (uncredited): [on Hawkeye's cue] You tell 'em, Ferret-face!
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [lecturing Klinger] None of us wants to be here. I don't wanna be here. Radar doesn't want to be here. The doctors, the nurses. Certainly the wounded don't want to be here. But we've got to do our best. Understand, son?
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: I'm trying.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Then get your butt in high gear and get back to work!
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: That your last offer?
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: You got it! Out!
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Yes, sir.
- [Klinger exits, as Major Burns enters]
- Maj. Frank Burns: Colonel, can I see you?
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Do I have a choice?
- Maj. Frank Burns: It's about Captain Pierce.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: He sew up your fly again?
- Maj. Frank Burns: No, sir.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: He spit at you?
- Maj. Frank Burns: He's stuffing a bunch of personnel into a jeep! Something about setting a world's record.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [Chuckles] He's a pistol. Burns, can't you see Pierce is just trying to boost morale?
- Maj. Frank Burns: Well, my morale is fine. I love it here.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [Stares at Burns] Either you or Klinger is nuts. Now I've got to figure out which one.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [after Klinger is brought in by MP's dressed as a Korean peasant girl] What's the big idea, Klinger?
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: [looks up] How'd you know?
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Korean women are not noted for hairy knuckles!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: [Hawkeye is fitting people into a Jeep for a world record] Squeeze in, Major. We got plenty of room.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: This is completely beneath me.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: I was hoping for that spot myself.
- Col. Hollister: [at the end of a stern lecture to Father Mulcahy] Now I have to get back to my tent and drink my Milk of Magnesia and do three push-ups.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: How 'bout V.D. Films, Radar? Is the one we've got adequate?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: I don't know, sir. Every time it's shown, I faint.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Must be okay then. Why don't we order "Trench Foot Through the Ages" and "The Bleeding Gum Story"? That'll make a good double feature.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: [Dictating a letter] I realize supply requisitions in this area are difficult to fill but the situation has been getting steadily worse. We order rectal thermometers, we get spark plugs. Both useful articles, but hardly interchangeable. Get with it, Supply.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Sir, do you want one or two exclamation points after that?
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Make it three.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Boy, you really are mad.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Kindness don't feed the bulldog.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: [Reading on a scrap of newspaper wrapping] Elizabeth Taylor married somebody whose name begins with N-I.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: N- I?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Nixon! Elizabeth Taylor married our vice president!
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Nicky Hilton.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Nicky Hilton's our vice president now?
- Maj. Frank Burns: More suction, nurse. Stop daydreaming!
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: You're there to assist the doctor, Lieutenant.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Give her a doctor, she'll assist him.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Writing home again? That's your third letter this week.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Only way I can keep my sanity.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Well if you want sanity, you can have mine. God knows, I'm not using it.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Know anything about dreams, Doc?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: I only know I wish I were having one right now.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: I had one last night. I was holding this paper that said, "Klinger is hereby declared nuts. Signed, Colonel Potter." I was saying good-bye to everybody. I even clipped the hair off my chest for Major Houlihan to keep in her watch. She kissed me right on the mouth. Next thing I know, I'm in San Francisco. Sprung! Free! There's this big parade. Four bands. People carrying a banner that says, "Klinger's Nuts!"
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Shh.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Then I'm in Toledo with my loved ones. And I own a delicatessen. Eight tables! Individual relish jars. You'll never guess who the waitress is. Major Houlihan. And she's still got my hair in her watch... pinned on a see-through blouse. What does that mean, Doc?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Well, it just might mean... that you wanna go home.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: I knew it!
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: With Major Houlihan.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Yech!
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: [Narrating in his letter to Peggy] I've looked back on this letter and discovered it's been two pages since I told you how much I love you. It's two pages later now, and I love you even more.