Quotes
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Hawkeye : Relax, Frank. I just want to see your body.
Maj. Frank Burns : Oh, don't be such a rude Rodney.
Hawkeye : Frank, there's hepatitis going around.
Maj. Frank Burns : Hepatitis!
Hawkeye : Yeah, let me see your eyes.
Maj. Frank Burns : Are they yellow? How's my liver? Is it tender?
Hawkeye : How should I know? It's your liver?
Maj. Frank Burns : Well, feel it!
[he sprawls back on his cot]
Hawkeye : [probing Franks abdomen] How's that feel?
Maj. Frank Burns : [giggles childishly] Tickles!
Hawkeye : Frank, try to control yourself.
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Maj. Frank Burns : [sits up] Well, something's wrong with me.
Hawkeye : Yeah? Ever since Margaret got engaged?
Maj. Frank Burns : No! Since I've been getting shortness of breath and heart palpitations. Feel my chest.
Hawkeye : Not tonight, darling. I have a headache.
Maj. Frank Burns : I have a lump here under the sternum and that's not supposed to be there. Is it?
Hawkeye : [prepares to draw blood from Frank's arm] Frank, go like this.
[opens and closes his fist]
Maj. Frank Burns : Feels like a marble. Not like an aggie. More like an immie.
Hawkeye : Look, I haven't got time to feel your chest for marbles. Just let me get some blood, I'll give you a shot in the behind and I'll get out of here!
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Maj. Frank Burns : You call yourself a doctor!
Hawkeye : [preparing to give Frank a shot] Frank, will you for cripes' sake, drop your driveling, your hypochondria, and your pants in that order!
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Maj. Frank Burns : Look, while you're here, will you check my arms? I think my arms are getting longer.
Hawkeye : Take two bananas and call me in the morning.
Maj. Frank Burns : Feel under my armpit.
Hawkeye : Not for five bucks!
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Maj. Frank Burns : [Hawkeye just gave Frank a shot in the behind] Feels like you left a rock in there!
Hawkeye : Maybe one slipped down from your head.
Maj. Frank Burns : You broke off a needle in me, didn't you?
Hawkeye : Frank, these few lovely moments with you have contributed more to the pain in my back than my army cot, and that's going some.
Maj. Frank Burns : If you care anything for human life, you'll feel my lumps before you go.
Hawkeye : Leave 'em under my pillow. I'll give 'em a squeeze before I go to sleep.
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Maj. Frank Burns : I do have a pea-sized tumor under my sternum.
