M*A*S*H (TV Series)

Movie Tonight (1977)

Alan Alda: Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce

Photos 

Quotes 

• Father Mulcahy : [singing]  A chaplain in the Army has a collar on his neck. If you don't listen to him, you'll all wind up in heck.

  Everybody : Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee, Mom, I wanna go home.

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce , Capt. B.J. Hunnicut : Oh, the surgeons in the Army, they say we're mighty bright. We work on soldiers through the day and nurses through the night.

  Everybody : Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : Friendships in the army, they say are mighty rare. So I spend all my free time carousing with my mare.

  Everybody : Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.

  Nurses : The surgeons in the army, their brains they are profound. But we'll take chopper pilots, they'll get you off the ground.

  Everybody : Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.

  Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly : The corporals in the army, ya say we're really green. But if it weren't for us guys you'd be in the latrine.

  Everybody : Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.

  Klinger : Oh, some guys like the Army. I think that it's a mess. If it's so damn terrific, how come I wear a dress?

  Everybody : Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.

  Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan : The nurses in the army, they haven't tied the knot. But this one's gonna try it with Donald Penobscott.

  Everybody : Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go. But they won't let me go. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.

• Cpl. Maxwell Klinger : [the movie projector goes out, again]  I blew the bulb. It's not my fault. Who do I look like, Thomas Edison?

  Hawkeye : No, you look like Mrs. Edison.

• Hawkeye : [the movie projector goes out once again]  Don't blame Klinger. It's an Army projector.

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicut : It's supposed to break down every five minutes.

  Hawkeye : Like the peace talks.

• Hawkeye : And now for the moment no one has been waiting for: the Father Mulcahy sound-alike contest.

  [Father Mulcahy passes him his hat] 

  Hawkeye : [imitating Mulcahy]  My word, Hawkeye, this jocularity is most unseemly.

  [tosses hat to Klinger] 

  Cpl. Maxwell Klinger : [imitating Mulcahy, in squeaky voice]  How can you make jokes at a time like this? Ooh.

  [passes hat to Frank Burns] 

  Maj. Frank Burns : [in high voice]  The post-op is collapsing and the O.R. is on fire.

  [passes hat to Margaret] 

  Margaret : [in high voice]  And somebody has broken into the sacramental wine.

  [tosses hat to Radar] 

  Radar : Sorry, Father.

  [puts on hat; imitates Mulcahy] 

  Radar : It seems that Private Simpson has come down with a case of hepatitis. He's the most *remarkable* shade of yellow.

  [tosses hat to Colonel Potter] 

  Col. Sherman Potter : [in high voice]  Jocularity! Jocularity!

  [tosses hat to Father Mulcahy] 

  Father Francis Mulcahy : Let me just say this about all these impersonations...

  [everybody groans in protest] 

  Hawkeye : That's definitely the Mills Brothers.

• Col. Sherman T. Potter : Let's all try to get along.

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicut : Get along little doggie.

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : I had a long little doggie once. It was a dachshund.

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicut : Oh a little hot dog, what happened to him?

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : He got mustered out.

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicut : I relish these conversations.

• Hawkeye : Frank, let me use your pen.

  Frank Burns : No.

  Hawkeye : Come on, Frank!

  Frank Burns : N-O! No.

  Hawkeye : Why not?

  Frank Burns : Because it's used to the way I write.

  Hawkeye : It's used to: stupid

• Maj. Frank Burns : Gee whiz, that's terrific. I haven't seen a good movie in ages.

  Hawkeye : Frank, don't be childish. It's only a movie.

  [Frank walks away] 

  Hawkeye : Oh, boy! Oh, boy! A movie! Hee, hee, hee! I'm so excited, I could plotz!

• Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Frank, go make yourself useful.

  Maj. Frank Burns : I'm a supervisor. I don't have to be useful.

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Well, you're doing a great job.

  Maj. Frank Burns : Oh, go stuff a goose.