- Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: Are you really him?
- Captain Chandler: Yes.
- Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: Well, I know you're busy and everything but I was wondering. Could you bless this for me, please?
- Captain Chandler: A bag?
- Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: No. What's inside.
- [takes out his teddy bear]
- Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: I know he's not real but we're very close.
- Captain Chandler: Bless you... and bless you, Radar.
- Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: I'm Walter.
- Captain Chandler: Bless you, Walter.
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: Just between the two of us and whatever mic I might be talking into, do you really believe if I were a Communist, I'd hesitate for a second to sign a loyalty oath? I'd like to go on talking to you, Flagg, but with your schizophrenia, I'd have to charge you double time. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've already kept Jesus waiting five minutes.
- [Major Freedman examines Captain Chandler, in the Post-Op Ward]
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: Jesus Christ?
- Captain Chandler: Yes.
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: Your presence poses some interesting questions. For instance, how long have you known your true identity?
- Captain Chandler: What do you mean?
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: Until about five days ago you were Arnold Chandler. Now, Arnold Chandler was born in Idaho, was raised on the family sheep ranch, went to college in Colorado, enlisted in the Army, went to O.C.S., trained as a bombardier, went on over fifty missions and earned most of the medals and commendations that are available.
- Captain Chandler: I'm not Captain Chandler.
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: You're not from Idaho? You're not in the army?
- Captain Chandler: [shakes his head] Of course not.
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: You're not a bombardier?
- Captain Chandler: I'm Christ, the Lord.
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: But you died.
- Captain Chandler: I rose.
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: That was a long time ago. Where have you been since then?
- Captain Chandler: I live on in all men.
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: What are you doing here, in an army hospital?
- Captain Chandler: I'm Christ. Where should I be?
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: Shouldn't you be in the nose of a B-29?
- Captain Chandler: [looks confused] B-29?
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: That's where you've been a good part of the past two years; up in a B-29, dropping bombs.
- Captain Chandler: Bombs. On people?
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: On the enemy.
- Captain Chandler: I have no enemies. I love all men.
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: Even the North Koreans?
- Captain Chandler: [with tears in his eyes] They're my children. Why would I hurt my children? I'm sorry. I'm not this Captain Chandler you're looking for, but I hope you can find him. And I hope you can help him.
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: Tell me, is it true that God answers all prayers?
- Captain Chandler: Yes. Sometimes the answer is no.
- Father Francis Mulcahy: So what you're saying, is Judas only did what he had to do.
- Captain Chandler: Being Judas, he could do nothing else.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Well Dr. Freedman what's the diagnosis?
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: He's Christ.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: If you look closely you may notice, I'm not laughing.
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: OK, he's not Christ, but he's also not Chandler.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: I'll be grateful to you, Colonel, if you'd clear this matter up.
- Hawkeye: Without taking hostages, if possible.
- [Turns to BJ]
- Hawkeye: Colonel Flagg's over here to keep us all safe from democracy.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Can it, Pierce.
- Colonel Flagg: Still a cutie-pie, ain't you.
- Hawkeye: Well, some guys have got it.
- Colonel Flagg: You can put a lid on this guessing game. As it happens, I know who our friend with the Messiah complex really is.
- Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: Oh, I knew you'd get to the bottom of this.
- Colonel Flagg: All it takes is the right man with a shovel - who knows where to dig.
- Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: I couldn't ask for a better man.
- Major Margaret Houlihan: Or a bigger shovel.
- Colonel Flagg: Colonel.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Colonel?
- Colonel Flagg: When can I have him? Give me a medical decision now. The last C.O. they had here couldn't make a decision without a month's warning.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: I'm not fond of personal abuse, Colonel. I was in this man's army when the only thumb you cared about was the one you had in your mouth.
- Colonel Flagg: Now I'm blowing the whistle on you, Freedman.
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: Blow away.
- Colonel Flagg: Col. Potter, this man, this American, never signed his Officer's Loyalty Oath. And I intend to see that he's thrown out of the service.
- Hawkeye: Very smart, Sidney.
- B.J.: Where do we go to not sign?
- Colonel Flagg: Hey, you!
- Klinger: What?
- Colonel Flagg: This is the army, soldier!
- Klinger: I get that feeling too!
- Colonel Flagg: Hey!
- Klinger: What?
- Colonel Flagg: The next time I see you, Tinker Bell, you'd better be in uniform and as GI as General MacArthur! You hear me?
- Klinger: Loud and clear, Mary.
- Colonel Flagg: Major Freedman?
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: Yeah?
- Colonel Flagg: Colonel Flagg. We played poker once.
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: Oh, sure. With Intelligence, right?
- Colonel Flagg: I have nothing to do with intelligence.
- Dr. Sidney Freedman: Better. You won't get worry lines.
- Hawkeye: Come on, Frank, scrape the rust off your imagination, what if this guy really is who he says he is?
- Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: He's not.
- B.J.: How do you know?
- Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: I tested him.
- Hawkeye: You tested him?
- Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: I said a little prayer before lunch, nothing big.
- Hawkeye: Just in case.
- Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: My prayer wasn't answered, so put that in your hair and rub it.
- Hawkeye: Come on, Frank, just because you didn't get chocolate pudding for lunch doesn't mean anything.
- Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: How did you know I prayed for chocolate pudding?
- Hawkeye: You *always* pray for chocolate pudding.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: But it takes more than four sound legs to make a stallion run. Takes a sound heart and a sound mind.
- Colonel Flagg: It also takes a rider who's not afraid to go to the whip.
- Cpl. Walter Eugene 'Radar' O'Reilly: I asked him what his name was and he said, "I'm Jesus Christ". Just like that. Not even Captain Christ.
- Klinger: [Klinger walks up dressed like Moses. Hawkeye bursts out laughing] Sir, can you get Dr. Freedman back here, the psychiatrist?
- B.J.: On what grounds?
- Klinger: I'm Moses, right?
- B.J.: Freedman's in Tokyo, Klinger.
- Hawkeye: You take the first left in the road, and when you come to it, you part the Sea of Japan.