- Colonel Flagg: You took a yellow red before a white American. That's pretty pinko.
- Hawkeye: You're even boring in Technicolor.
- Colonel Flagg: Let's talk about your camp, Potter. And don't play dumb, you're not as good at it as I am.
- Colonel Flagg: [cornering Hawkeye] Your butt is in my sling.
- Hawkeye: Alright, take me I'm yours.
- Colonel Flagg: I knew it, you're one of those too.
- Father Mulcahy: I think I'd better leave.
- Colonel Flagg: Freeze, Mr. Vatican. Nobody goes till I do and I never do.
- Hawkeye: [Hawkeye tries to get bidding signals from his bridge partner] I'm reminded of a story. You've probably heard it. The, uh, King and Queen of this country were playing golf with five clubs, when their son, Jack, remarked how strange it was they had only two hearts between them. Just then, Deucey and her little dog, Trey, started singing "Four Diamonds are a girl's best friend." Whereupon the entire family beat her to death and buried her with two spades. Did you get it?"
- Charles: Everybody did.
- Hawkeye: Well, I didn't. What do I bid?
- Everyone: Two clubs!
- Hawkeye: Please! No prompting. I bid two clubs.
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: [to Flagg, who is in a garbage can] I'm going to talk to Col. Potter now about getting you better quarters.
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: [to Flagg who is in a garbage can with the lid perched on his head] Of course, you are under cover.
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Gentlemen, it was an amazing story. The moment I set eyes on Colonel Flagg, I knew what had to be done. Had to find his weak spot. I did. Right above his neck.
- Charles: Colonel, the very notion of Pierce being a spy, let alone a sympathizer, is absurd. Pierce has a big mouth. He's always butting into other people's business, but that makes him obnoxious, not a spy.
- Colonel Flagg: Doesn't wash. I'm obnoxious and I'm a spy.
- Charles: Touché.
- Basgall: Hey! My buddy better not die on account of you.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Margaret, will you keep that thing over him.
- Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: I'm trying to, Doctor, but he's got an awfully big mouth.
- Basgall: You guys are so high and mighty. You sit back here, you're playing God. You don't care!
- Hawkeye: Somebody shut him up!
- Basgall: Yeah, shut me up. Go ahead, shut me up so I won't tell anybody how you save your gook friends!
- Hawkeye: Hold that. Hey!
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Pierce!
- Hawkeye: I don't have to take that kind of garbage, now shut your mouth before I come over there and clamp it shut!
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: We would all appreciate it, Colonel, if you just stuck to thumb screws.
- ["finding" a piece of paper under a patient's pillow]
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Hello, what have we here?
- Colonel Flagg: [snatching the paper from Charles] It's for me. Whatever it is.
- [opens the paper]
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Perhaps it's a note from his superiors excusing him from further questioning.
- Colonel Flagg: It's a diagram of a camp.
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Looks like this camp.
- Colonel Flagg: [thoughtfully] Looks like this camp.
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: There's a circle around my quarters.
- Colonel Flagg: Pierce's quarters. Ah-so. A little rendezvous. What's this at the bottom? Circle with two arrows in it.
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: A clock.
- Colonel Flagg: [as if the thought just occurred to him] A clock.
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: 10 o'clock.
- Colonel Flagg: [realizing] 10 o'clock. Yes, I think I can fit that into my schedule.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You're gonna lose your magic decoder ring for this one, Flagg!
- Colonel Flagg: Potter, you've got a wounded North Korean officer here, and, as usual, you failed to report it.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Oh, no, no. We did report it.
- Colonel Flagg: You mean I worked over my informant just for the fun of it?
- Father Mulcahy: Oh, my Lord!
- Colonel Flagg: Good cover, but who are you?
- Colonel Flagg: [holding up a finger] Do you believe that I can break your leg with this finger?
- Charles: [stammering] Strangely enough, I-I-I-I do.
- P.A. Announcer: Attention all personnel: Ambulances on their way. Maintenance crews remove all drunks from the middle of the road.
- Colonel Flagg: I've checked up on you. Fact: you want out of Korea.
- Charles: Fact: Everybody does.
- Colonel Flagg: Cooperate with me and I'll get you out.
- Charles: Thank you, Tin Man. I'll get to Tokyo on my own.
- Colonel Flagg: I meant to Boston.
- Charles: Massachusetts?
- Colonel Flagg: Fort Devens, 9 to 5. Make that 4:30. And then it's home every evening to Wellesley, where you still live with your mom and dad and your sister, Honorrhea.
- Charles: That's Honoria!