- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Sir? Hawkeye?
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Thanks for the knighthood, Radar.
- Major Margaret Houlihan: Will you step this way?
- [they walk behind a tent]
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: Margaret, what is it?
- Major Margaret Houlihan: [punches him] The next time you give away your clothes, give 'em to somebody your own size!
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: Can I tell you a secret? Promise not to tell?
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Cross our cardiograms.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: [proudly] Margaret and I are dating.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [awkwardly] Oh... huh.
- Margaret: Major Burns has decided to make out his will. Will you listen, Father?
- Father Mulcahy: Gracious, I didn't even know he was dying.
- Margaret: Oh, he isn't. No. Just a precautionary measure.
- Father Mulcahy: Oh. But he does have the fever and a person is supposed to be of sound mind.
- Frank Burns: Oh, it's okay, Father. I don't think my mind was any sounder when I was well.
- Margaret: Call if you need anything, Major.
- Father Mulcahy: Uh, are you sure you feel up to this, Frank?
- Frank Burns: The only thing I really feel up to is dying.
- Father Mulcahy: I see. Well, uh, if you're ready.
- Frank Burns: My car, my house, all the money I buried in my backyard, goes to the only woman who ever really cared, ever really understood - my wife, Louise. She'll have to thaw out the map, it's inside some ground chuck in the basement freezer. My savings account passbook number is in the same bottle as my appendix.
- Father Mulcahy: Appendix. Hmm. A-Anything else?
- Frank Burns: For my children, all profits from my prescription kickbacks.
- Father Mulcahy: Oh, dear.
- Frank Burns: These are recorded in my red ledger, not the blue one that I show to the government. And finally, to Major Margaret Houlihan, my friend, my comrade, my little soldier, I leave all my clothes.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: She hit me right on the chin!
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Really? How did she find it?
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: [the officers are discussing the fever epidemic] Any news from the lab in Seoul?
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Father Mulcahy is down there now on R&R.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Rest and resurrection.
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: You have a fever.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: If I had two fevers I could give you change for a ten.
- [laughs]
- Frank Burns: [thinks he is dying and going to heaven] Margaret, if I should go before you, look for me when you get there. I'll be waiting for you on the other side.
- Margaret: Frank... darling.
- Frank Burns: But, if I'm standing by my wife, pretend you don't know me.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: [referring to the bait for Frank's rat trap] Sir, this stuff is really barf-making. Do you think the rats will go for it?
- Frank Burns: That happens to be my wife's fruitcake, Corporal!
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: My friends, some men are born great. Others achieve greatness. And others are destined to work with rats. I would like to nominate someone who is eminently qualified. A man who was born for this job. A man who can look a rat in the eye and meet him on his own terms. I give you Major Frank Burns. Will anyone second this motion?
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Hear, hear.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: Thank you, but I really can't accept. I'm already in charge of rumor control.
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: I've heard that.
- Major Margaret Houlihan: Nothing is too good for the men.
- Captain B.J. Hunnicut: I guess that's why they get so much of it.