M*A*S*H (TV Series)

The Abduction of Margaret Houlihan (1976)

Edward Winter: Col. Samuel Flagg

Photos 

Quotes 

• Col. Sherman T. Potter : Pardon me for asking, colonel, but why are you dressed like an Italian usher?

  Colonel Flagg : Can you keep a secret?

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : I think so.

  Colonel Flagg : I'm disguised as Ling Chow, a Chinese double agent.

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : Funny, you don't look Chinese.

  Colonel Flagg : Neither would Ling Chow if he were dressed like this. Follow me?

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : As far as I'd like to.

  Colonel Flagg : Well, I'm off.

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : I couldn't have said it better myself.

• Colonel Flagg : You were insanely jealous of her engagement. You were furious at being rejected. You were capable of murder!

  Hawkeye : That's right! So you hit her over the head with a blunt instrument.

  B.J. : A saxophone.

  Hawkeye : Then you hypnotized her and told her she was Johnny Ray.

  B.J. : Then you performed plastic surgery on her, made her look like Johnny.

  Hawkeye : The rest is obvious. You stuck her in a trunk, you mailed her to Las Vegas, and now she's doing two shows a night at The Sands.

  B.J. : Three on Saturdays.

  Colonel Flagg : There's only one flaw in that theory.

  Hawkeye : Only one?

  Colonel Flagg : They don't do three shows a night on Saturday at The Sands.

  Hawkeye : How do you know?

  Colonel Flagg : I was a showgirl for six weeks.

• Colonel Flagg : Don't try to be funny with me, Colonel. I've trained myself not to laugh or smile.

  Col. Potter : Really?

  Colonel Flagg : I watched a hundred hours of the Three Stooges. Every time I felt like smiling, I jabbed myself in the stomach with a cattle prod.

  Col. Potter : That oughta do it.

• Capt. B.J. Hunnicut : I've been sitting here a long time and now I'd like to say something.

  Colonel Flagg : What is it?

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicut : Good bye.

• Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly : [on the phone]  Sparky, I gotta go. Colonel Flagg just come in.

  Colonel Flagg : Okay pipsqueak, what tipped you off?

  Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly : Well, you don't look anything like you, sir. And since you're a master of disguises, I figured you're the only one who couldn't look like you that much.

  Colonel Flagg : I'll buy that. For now.

• Colonel Flagg : [after Frank Burns pats his shoulder]  My father touched me that way once. To this day he still has to wear orthopedic shirts.

• Colonel Flagg : This won't look good on your record.

  Frank Burns : But Colonel, it's just Reader's Digest.

  Colonel Flagg : Not if you eliminate the third, fifth, and sixth letters, then it's Red's Digest, comrade.

• Colonel Flagg : I have no home. I am the wind.

  Hawkeye : [to BJ]  I told you he was the wind. You said he was the stars.

  B.J. : No, I said he was the moon.

• Colonel Flagg : If you don't close your eyes, I won't leave.

  [everyone closes and covers their eyes] 

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Bye!

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicut : See ya!

• Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : [about Flagg's plan]  Why stop there? Why don't we just drop an atomic bomb.

  Colonel Flagg : Hey, don't try to make friends with me.

• Colonel Flagg : If it weren't for war you wouldn't know what peace is.

  B.J. : He's got a point there.

  Hawkeye : Yeah, it's under his hat.

• Colonel Flagg : Have you ever heard of the Malaysian Chest Implosion Torture?

  Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly : [intimidated]  No.

  Colonel Flagg : Good. Cause there's no such thing... yet.

• Colonel Flagg : That's insubordination. You do that to me one more time and I'm entitled to...

  [checks his notebook] 

  Colonel Flagg : bite off your left ear. Just food for thought.

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : He's not bluffing. He got Van Gogh.

• Colonel Flagg : Alert the Navy for offshore artillery. I want a squadron of copters for air-to-ground search and, uh, round up a box of scorpions. About a dozen.

  Radar : You mean, uh, scorpions scorpions?

  Colonel Flagg : Big ones.

  Hawkeye : What the hell are you gonna do with a box of scorpions?

  Colonel Flagg : It's personal. Gift for a friend.

  [Radar begins to leave] 

  Colonel Flagg : Corporal. If you can't find scorpions, get two snakes and a rat.

  Radar : And a rat. Right, right.

• Colonel Flagg : Listen, Pinko. You're my prime suspect. Isn't it true that you had a torrid relationship with Major Houlihan?

  Maj. Frank Burns : No, Sir.

  Colonel Flagg : You wanna see the films?

  Maj. Frank Burns : Films?

  Hawkeye : I'll get the popcorn.

• Colonel Flagg : I can find anything.

  Hawkeye : Can you find my virginity? I lost it twenty years ago and haven't seen it since.

• Colonel Flagg : Where's Houlihan?

  B.J. : I think it's near Dublin.

• Colonel Flagg : Nobody can get the truth out of me because even I don't know what it is. I keep myself in a constant state of utter confusion.

• Colonel Flagg : [enquiring about the bullet wound in Cape Hunnicut's leg]  What happened to your leg?

  B.J. : Cut myself shaving.