M*A*S*H (TV Series)
The M*A*S*H Olympics (1977)
Alan Alda: Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce
Photos
Quotes
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Col. Sherman T. Potter : Take your positions for the crutch race. Fifty of the most grueling yards you'll ever see. It takes stamina, balance, a good sense of direction, and strong armpits. No starts till you hear the sound of the gun. I want a good, clean race. I know how sneaky you people are, so I'll be watching carefully. Remember, no jabbing, tripping, or blocking.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Well, there goes our game plan.
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[first lines]
PA Announcer : Attention, all personnel. More Olympic results from Helsinki. In the men's water polo competition, the U.S. splashed to a fourth-place finish.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : I wonder what they give you for fourth place.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : They name you Miss Congeniality.
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Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : You're in for a beating.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Wanna bet?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Money?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : What's money? I want respect.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : What do you got in mind?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Nothing fancy. I'd like to sit on a throne and have you cower at my feet.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : I'm a little short of thrones. How about a wheelchair?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Okay. The loser has to push the winner around in a wheelchair.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : For a week.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Shake.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : If you can stand my grip.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : [Chuckles] Let the games begin.
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Sgt. Ames : Look, I'm too far gone. I only got 10 days until my orders come in. What's the difference if I'm 20 pounds overweight or 30?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Beej, I don't believe Ames here is familiar with the amazing Pierce-Hunnicutt quick-loss plan.
Sgt. Ames : Huh?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : It's famous. Simple diet and exercise. 20 pounds in 10 days.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : If not completely satisfied, your blubber cheerfully refunded. What do you say?
Sgt. Ames : You know, I'd appreciate that a whole lot.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Okay. Here's step number 1.
[Hawkeye takes away Ames's tray of food and puts it on the used tray stack]
Sgt. Ames : That hurts.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : You look thinner already.
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Col. Sherman T. Potter : Hold it. We're not finished yet. You people are in sorry shape. This is a mobile hospital. If we ever have to bug out, you won't be able to lift a tent pole.
Maj. Charles Winchester : I'm a surgeon. I'm not a circus roustabout.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : You're a clown.
Maj. Charles Winchester : You're a buffoon.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Bozo.
Col. Sherman T. Potter : Bottle it.
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Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : You know we're wasting our time here? We could be in Helsinki training track stars and chasing Viking women.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Hmm. Speaking of which, Father Mulcahy gave me great odds on Zatopek in the marathon.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : You bet on Zatopek?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Of course. He's already won two long races.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : That's what I mean. He's all tired out. Now he's gotta run a marathon. 40 miles and no restrooms.
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Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Ha! Hawkeye, what you know about sports would fit on the tip of a javelin.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Oh, yeah? What makes you such an expert?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : My two varsity letters.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Ha ha ha! Two letters and a scholarship.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : You? An athletic scholarship?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : That's right. The coach's daughter paid me to leave her alone.
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Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : [B.J. and Hawkeye are leading the camp in morning calisthenics] Hut, two, three, four. Hut, two, three, four. Hut, two...
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Hold--Wait a minute, wait a minute. You in the woodwind section.
Maj. Charles Winchester : Brass.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Why aren't you playing toe touchies?
Maj. Charles Winchester : Gentlemen, we're all just fooling ourselves here.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Isn't that what the army's all about?
Maj. Charles Winchester : Morning exercise is futile at best. When one arises, the body is more subject to postural hypotension.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : You tell 'em, Doc!
Maj. Charles Winchester : Blood flows away from the brain, and blacking out becomes a distinct possibility. Well, what it all boils down to, gentlemen, is that you're not getting one toe touchie out of me.
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Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : [Charles is not participating in the exercise regimen] Uh, Charles, could we have a word with you, please?
Maj. Charles Winchester : Briefly.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : See, we'd like to get this over with, so we'd kind of like your cooperation.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : [Charles chuckles] And if we don't get it, we're gonna wash our dirty socks in your Chateauneuf du Pape.
Maj. Charles Winchester : [snickers] You wouldn't!
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : And rinse them in your Earl Gray Tea.
Maj. Charles Winchester : ...You would.
[to the crowd]
Maj. Charles Winchester : On the other hand, circulatory stress does aid in the prevention of arterial sclerosis, and I'm certainly all for that. So hands on hips, please.
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Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : What am I supposed to do?
Col. Sherman T. Potter : I guess you'll just have to sit this one out.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : Captain Pink!
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Uh, oh, Colonel?
[BJ points to Margaret's husband, Donald]
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : There's a little boy over there who looks like he wants to play.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : Of course! Donald! Colonel Penobscott, I need your broad shoulders.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Stop! Hold it, time out, and just a doggone second!
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : Darling, you're gonna be my partner in the Nurse Carry.
Lt. Col. Donald Penobscott : I am?
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : Yes!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Colonel, this is the 4077th Olympics. Gorgeous George is just an out-of-town relative.
Col. Sherman T. Potter : Objection sustained. The purpose of this is to build up our own people.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Thank you, Your Honor. There'll be a little something for you in your chambers later.
Col. Sherman T. Potter : Colonel, that's not fair!
Lt. Col. Donald Penobscott : No, dear, the Colonel's right. These are your games. And anyway, with my athletic ability, Pierce's side wouldn't stand a chance.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : What-- Wait a second. Now wait a minute. What do you mean, wouldn't stand a chance?
Lt. Col. Donald Penobscott : Well, I didn't mean it exactly like that. I'm sure it would be, uh, competitive.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : You bet your brass.
Lt. Col. Donald Penobscott : Of course, a guy who was All-American in track and wrestling at West Point doesn't often lose to a bunch of army doctors.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Just a second, jocko! Would you like to put your muscle where your mouth is?
Lt. Col. Donald Penobscott : As a matter of fact, I'd really like that.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Pick up your wife, cadet.