- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Oh, my dear man. How can I discover what's wrong with you if you will not cooperate?
- Pvt. La Roche: [Billiard ball is stuck in his mouth] Mmm-mmm!
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Oh, I see. You want me to take your temperature. I can do that.
- [Sarcastically]
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: *Gaah* Do you realize you have something in your mouth?
- Pvt. La Roche: Mm-hmm!
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: What on earth could that be?
- Pvt. La Roche: Mmmm mmmm mmm mmmm!
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Oh, lookie. There's a little 6 painted on it. Could that be how old you are?
- Pvt. La Roche: Mmmmm-mmmm!
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Now I see. You may not realize this, but you have a pool ball lodged in your mouth. No sweat, there is an alternative: I'll just take your temperature the other way.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [Klinger is dressed as a '30s gangster] Klinger, do you realize how many zoots had to be killed to make that one suit?
- [a Halloween party is in progress]
- PA System Announcer: Attention, all personnel - some party guests have arrived - dressed as wounded soldiers.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: [studying an x-ray] Damn! Been pokin' around people's bodies for thirty years, but this is one thing I'll never get used to.
- Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: What is it?
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: This protruding bone. It can be removed completely. He'd be better off without it.
- Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: I don't understand.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: It ain't his. Probably belonged to the man in front of him. The mine explosion drove it right into this boy's leg like a spear.
- Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: Oh my God.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: How do you feel?
- Private Scala: I'll live.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You sure will. Don't worry, I've never lost a patient. I never lose anything. Have you seen my stethescope?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [singing] We're having a party/ A Halloween party/ It might be amusing/ To watch a ghost boozing/ And see if it can/ can, can.
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Rather than sing, Super Mouth, why not try leaping off a tall building in a single bound?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Can't help it, Charles. My voice is more powerful than a locomotive.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [after a 'dead' soldier returns to life] This is definitely one ghost story nobody's going to top.
- Private Scala: How can anybody make me forget what happened?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Nobody forgets. The trick is learning to live with it. That's the way it is for all of us.
- [Father Mulcahy is administering last rites to an apparently dead soldier]
- Father Francis Mulcahy: Ego te absolvo in nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sanct...
- [pause]
- Father Francis Mulcahy: Oh, my...
- [he sees a tear trickle down the soldier's face, realizes he's alive]
- Father Francis Mulcahy: HAWKEYE!
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: When I was a kid, Halloween wasn't for getting pie-eyed. It was for getting the skivvies scared off of you.
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Oh come now, Colonel. Hobgoblins are the hobgoblins of little minds.
- [Major Winchester is treating a group of Marines who have partied too much on Halloween]
- Pvt. Crotty: I sure made a mess out of my hand, sir.
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: [Examining his mangled and bandaged hand] I hope you got the license number of the jaw that jumped in front of this.
- Pvt. Crotty: It wasn't a jaw. It was a fan.
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: A fan? Oh, a rabid admirer, eh?
- Pvt. Crotty: Uh-uh. An electric fan. I bet this guy at Rosie's that I could stick my hand in it and pull it out before it got all sliced up.
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Congratulations. You've just answered the question: What is the lowest form of Marine life?
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Gentlemen, I want to thank you for taking up the time that we would have normally frittered away on casualties of a far less ludicrous nature than yours.
- [to Private La Roche:]
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: You will undoubtedly be returning to the pool halls of Montezuma.
- [to Private Crotty]
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: And you to receive advanced training in hand-to-fan combat.