- Waldorf: [Waldorf is alone in the box] Sometimes I tickle myself. In fact, I think I'll tickle myself now.
- [he does so and laughs]
- Statler: [after presenting Valerie Harper with a plant as a gift] You're not so bad yourself, hubba, hubbah, hubba! Hey, what? No!
- [is escorted off stage by Fozzie and Kermit]
- Fozzie Bear: Hey, did you know that if Tuesday Weld married Frederic March's grandson, she'd be Tuesday March the Second!
- Waldorf: [impressed by Valerie Harper] What a beautiful performer!
- Statler: Yeah, what a beautiful woman. You know, Waldorf, I think I'll go backstage and meet her.
- Waldorf: Why, you old fool, she wouldn't have anything to do with you! Besides I was thinking of going backstage.
- Statler: You? You? Why, you're old enough to be her grandfather!
- Waldorf: Why, you geriatric joker! We'll settle this, we'll flip for her.
- Statler: Okay.
- Waldorf: One, two, three!
- [Statler physically flips himself into the air]
- Waldorf: You win.
- Statler: I'll have you know I dated, and wined and dined some of the finest performers on the legitimate stage: Hayes, Langtree, Barrymore.
- Kermit the Frog: Wait a minute. You dated Ethel Barrymore?
- Statler: No, Lionel. Ethel was busy that night. To tell you the truth, we didn't dance much either.