My Name Is Earl (TV Series)

Quit Smoking (2005)

Jason Lee: Earl Hickey

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Quotes 

• Earl : [voiceover]  Quittin' smokin' is kinda like going to prison. If you can last three days, you'll be fine. Me and Donny's mom tried everything. We listened to the tapes, then we tried the patches, then we heard somewhere to try carrot sticks. We tried it, but we couldn't get the damn things to light.

• Earl : Those are poisoned.

  Randy : How poisoned?

• [Joy is watching a video of her and Earl recorded a few years ago whilst they were both drunk] 

  Joy : Next time you steal a camera Earl, make sure the thing works.

  Earl : I think I got it on.

  Joy : I love you Earl.

  Earl : I love that you love me.

• Earl : [voiceover]  Joy knew that video is the only thing close to a will I have, and normally she's not violent, but money makes people crazy.

• Earl : I'm not doing Donny Jones.

  Catalina : Why not?

  Earl : I just don't want to okay. Besides, I don't even know where he lives.

  Randy : They have big yellow books where you can find that stuff out Earl.

• Earl : I was gonna focus on quitting smoking. But it turns out quitting smoking is stressful. And when I'm stressed-out, I smoke.

• Earl : So you're all churched up now, huh. Good for you. Giving up all that hurting people.

  Donny Jones : Turn the other cheek now.

  Earl : And you got a tattoo of the Red Sea to prove it.

  Donny Jones : Wanna see it now.

  [he goes to pull down his pants] 

  Earl : No, I'm still gonna pass on that.

• Earl : Why are we stopping?

  Randy : I think we got a flat in the back.

  Catalina : Yea, I heard it too.

  Earl : Damnit! I just got those tires five years ago.