- Special Agent Timothy McGee: Where are we going, boss?
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: To talk to Petty Officer Lambert's shipmates.
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: But he's not on a ship, boss.
- [staring look from Gibbs]
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: Oh. Sir, you... you were using a military euphemism.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Ya think?
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: So, uh, you mean Bethesda Hospital Computer Center.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You speak their language.
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: You mean I'm going to interview them?
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: I interview, you translate. Come on.
- Karen Wilkerson: [while working on Gibbs' boat] - Familiar with this new advance in technology, called... power tools ?
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Close your eyes.
- [She closes them]
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Mm. Feel the wood ? You don't get a sensation like that from a power tool.
- Karen Wilkerson: [laughing]
- Detective Rachel Rapp: Lieutenant, your ex-wife just called.
- Lt. Cheney: Which one?
- Detective Rachel Rapp: The nasty one.
- Lt. Cheney: You're gonna have to be more specific.
- Caitlin Todd: This is too weird.
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: Definitely.
- Anthony DiNozzo: Good weird.
- Abby Sciuto: The only blood type at the scene was O-positive.
- Caitlin Todd: Petty Officer Lambert's O-positive.
- Abby Sciuto: It's the most common blood type there is. I shipped a DNA sample to the Armed Forces Registry.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Fingerprints we lifted his?
- Abby Sciuto: [showing a positive match] Your missing corpse is Petty Officer Lambert.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Unidentified prints.
- Abby Sciuto: I have not had time to run all the prints that you lifted yet.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Blood spatter analysis.
- Abby Sciuto: Okay, Gibbs, I know you think I'm Supergirl... actually, my hair's more like Wonder Woman. Or Isis. Or the Powerpuff girl.
- Caitlin Todd: I've always been partial to Xena.
- Abby Sciuto: I don't know about her. No self-respecting superhero should wear open-toed shoes.
- Caitlin Todd: Oh, I agree.
- Abby Sciuto: This really sucks.
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: I'll tell you what sucks. Working after school as a burnt potato chip picker.
- Abby Sciuto: You're making that up.
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: You ever seen a burnt potato chip in a bag of potato chips?
- Abby Sciuto: Hmm. Now that you mention it...
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: Sat next to a conveyor belt, air choked with oil, watching cooked potato chips fly by. I would pick out the burnt ones while trying not to get motion sickness.
- Abby Sciuto: Incinerator operator. Burning medical waste at 2,000 degrees. Body parts, body waste.
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: Summer between freshman and sophomore year, I was a Port-a-Potty cleaner. It was the hottest summer on record.
- Abby Sciuto: Ski lift operator, Alberta. Negative 44 degrees Fahrenheit.
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: Cleaned asbestos.
- Abby Sciuto: Collected roadkill.
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: Tie?
- [distracted, Abby doesn't respond]
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: No? Okay. Before I joined NCIS...
- Abby Sciuto: [turning his face to the monitor] Is that what I think it is?
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: Depends. What do you think it is?
- Abby Sciuto: The reason Petty Officer Lambert faked his own murder.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You got a smoke?
- Karen Wilkerson: Well, that surprises me.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [she offers him a cigarette] Thank you.
- Karen Wilkerson: Mm-hmm.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Ever been to Sicily?
- Karen Wilkerson: Interesting segue. No.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Capaci's a town outside Palermo. In '91, there was a Mafia don sitting in a hillside orchard chain smoking, watching the road below. Two cars in a tight formation came around the corner. The don hit a switch. The road exploded. It killed the chief magistrate prosecuting the Sicilian Mafia, his wife and three kids. The Italian carabinari, they found the cigarette butts in the orchard. Sent them to our FBI lab. They matched the DNA from the saliva on the filters to the don. It's the first time that DNA was ever used successfully to prosecute a killer.
- Karen Wilkerson: You are a very strange man.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah. Yeah... it's about to get stranger.
- [putting on a pair of rubber gloves, he takes, stubs out, and bags her lit cigarette]
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Karen, I hope that the DNA on this cigarette doesn't match the butts where Dion was executed. Oh, I really do.
- Caitlin Todd: Last time I'm gonna tell you, Tony. Don't answer my phone, use my computer, read my mail, look through my purse, scan my PDA, or touch my cell phone ever.
- Anthony DiNozzo: [on the phone] And an extra side of hash browns.
- [hanging up]
- Anthony DiNozzo: Just so we're clear, Kate, I didn't do any of those things. Zero. Zip. Nada.
- Caitlin Todd: Then how did you know where I went to breakfast?
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: Logo on the coffee cup in your wastebasket.
- Anthony DiNozzo: Anyone invite you into this conversation, probie?
- Caitlin Todd: You looked through my trash?
- Anthony DiNozzo: Did you say it was off-limits? Huh? Did ya?
- Caitlin Todd: Why do you do these things?
- Anthony DiNozzo: Sharpening my investigative skills.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Grab your gear.
- Caitlin Todd: What's up?
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: A dead sailor.
- Caitlin Todd: We didn't get any calls.
- Anthony DiNozzo: Saw it on the news, huh, boss?
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Hey, DiNozzo, for once, you're right.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: How many calls a day do you make?
- Roland Kesta: Somewhere between three and four hundred.
- Caitlin Todd: You ever feel guilty calling people uninvited, intruding into their lives?
- Roland Kesta: At first, a little. When you get cursed at a couple hundred times, you get over it.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Why'd you keep selling when you knew something was very wrong?
- Roland Kesta: My boss doesn't want us to stop selling for any reason. He's got the compassion of a cluster bomb.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: We have one advantage over Petty Officer Lambert: he doesn't know we know he's still alive.
- Caitlin Todd: I'll flag his accounts; bank, credit, ATM, e-mail.
- Anthony DiNozzo: Kate, this mojo faked his own death. Left his laptop, wallet, cell phone, and car behind. Do you really think he's gonna swipe the old charge card at the local Drugs R Us?
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Tony's right.
- Anthony DiNozzo: Thanks, boss.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: But you check it anyway, Kate. You never know.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: If Tony ever does find his ex-roomie, check his accounts, too.
- Anthony DiNozzo: I'm zoning in on him.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Yeah? You locate him?
- Anthony DiNozzo: Not yet, but... got his driver's license. Federal tax return, too. He's a freelance computer geek. Made six figures last year.
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: Wishing you were a computer geek, Tony?
- Anthony DiNozzo: I'd rather be homeless than be you, probie.
- Caitlin Todd: Enough, Tony. I have nothing to hide.
- Anthony DiNozzo: Really? Hmm. For someone with nothing to hide, you seem awfully concerned about what other people think about you.
- Caitlin Todd: Why, because I get upset when you go through my personal belongings?
- Anthony DiNozzo: Exactly.
- Caitlin Todd: Well, Tony, some people enjoy having a private life. Unlike you, we don't go around informing everyone about the frequency of our hooking up.
- Anthony DiNozzo: In a slump?
- Caitlin Todd: Gibbs, Mansur withdrew $6,000 from his bank account the week before he moved out.
- Anthony DiNozzo: He's also moved three times in the last six years. This last time... well, he didn't file a change of address at the post office. Thank you.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Whatever the hell this is, they're in it together.
- Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, but what is "whatever the hell this is"?
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Find Mansur...
- Anthony DiNozzo: Yes, and we'll find out. I know, boss. I'm trying.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Try harder.
- Caitlin Todd: You know, Gibbs, maybe Lambert faked his own death to get out of the Navy. You know, wanted to make a few bucks like his roomie.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Not likely. His enlistment was up in five months.
- Abby Sciuto: I have looked at 100,000 lines of code. Is it possible to die of boredom?
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: No.
- Abby Sciuto: How can you be sure?
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well, because I had Professor Bernbaum for economics. Believe me, his class makes staring at a monitor seem like Mardi Gras.
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: Petty Officer Lambert was part of the team that was updating the Navy's medical computer system. He'd been working on it almost two years.
- Abby Sciuto: Did you tell him?
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: No. Saved the best for you.
- Abby Sciuto: Oh, thanks, McGee. You know how I relish the moments...
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Stop relishing and start explaning, Abby.
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: The Navy writes a lot of prescriptions, so the amount that he was getting, it's no way it was for personal use.
- Abby Sciuto: In the last five months, 18,000 Oxycontin, 12,000 Percocet, 9,000 Vicodin.
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: Legal price for an 80 milligram Oxycontin, six dollars.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Street price is $65 to $80.
- Abby Sciuto: On the Oxycontin alone, he made a million bucks.
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: Cash.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Petty Officer Lambert is long gone.
- Abby Sciuto: I would be.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You never suspected Petty Officer Lambert of abusing his access to the Navy drug system?
- Karen Wilkerson: Not until you showed up. When NCIS investigates a sailor who's been UA one day, there's something wrong.
- Karen Wilkerson: What made you suspicious, Agent Gibbs?
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: A murder that didn't happen. Your petty officer faked his own death. He wanted us looking for his body instead of him.
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: We'd have done it, too, if Abby hadn't found the hinky blood trail.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Thieves are just like gamblers. They never quit when they're ahead. Why would Petty Officer Lambert?
- Karen Wilkerson: In five days, the new software system goes online. He must've been afraid it would pick up his scam.
- P.O. Niles Wilson: Got it. He had this prescription sent to box 781, Mail Boxes Etc., Fourteenth Street.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: McGee, you two keep pulling Lambert's scrips. See if there are any in the pipeline.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: You like boats?
- Karen Wilkerson: Sail or power?
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Sail.
- Karen Wilkerson: I love to sail. This weekend?
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Um... I'm... I'm still building her.
- Karen Wilkerson: Which marina?
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: My basement.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Get McGee and Abby to do what they do when they hook up.
- [Tony snickers, and Gibbs slaps the back of his head]
- Anthony DiNozzo: You meant their computers.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Then you take him in.
- George Mansur: Well, I haven't done...
- Anthony DiNozzo: Shut up! So, what's up?
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Lieutenant Cheney found Petty Officer Lambert.
- Anthony DiNozzo: Where?
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: In a ravine in Rock Creek Park.
- Donald Mallard: This the petty officer who faked his death, Jethro?
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Unless DNA says otherwise.
- Donald Mallard: Yeah, well, he's not faking now.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Shooter put one round into the back of his head.
- Donald Mallard: And his hair is burned. I'd say the muzzle was within two inches of his skull.
- Abby Sciuto: [while arguing with McGee, her phone rings] What?
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Whoa! Yikes, Abby. What did McGee do this time?
- Abby Sciuto: He put his size ten shoe in his size twelve mouth.
- Karen Wilkerson: I don't believe him. If two of my people were ripping off the system, I should be fired for incompetence.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: They weren't both doing it. Petty Officer Wilson caught onto the scam.
- Karen Wilkerson: Well, if he caught on, I should have.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: They sat next to each other.
- Karen Wilkerson: You're not very computer-literate, are you, Jethro?
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: [inadvertently interrupting Gibbs and Karen] Boss, uh... I-I don't know if this is important or not.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: McGee, this had better be the most important phone call you ever made.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [handing McGee a cassette tape] Tell Abby I want a full acoustical analysis.
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: Uh... uh, boss, you-you know that she's working Petty Officer Lambert's hard drive, answering machine, and all the crime scene evidence.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Then help her, McGee.
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: [gleefully] Yes, boss.
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: He erased his hard drive.
- Abby Sciuto: No problem.
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: He used a DOD-certified wipe program.
- Abby Sciuto: Uh-oh.
- Caitlin Todd: "Uh-oh" doesn't sound good.
- Abby Sciuto: It's not. A DOD wipe not only deletes, but it overwrites seven times.
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: There's no way to recapture the information, boss.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Why would he use something like that on his home computer?
- Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well, he's an information systems tech, and it could be just a matter or course, or he could be...
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Hiding something.
- Detective Rachel Rapp: What's your shoe size?
- Anthony DiNozzo: 12
- Detective Rachel Rapp: You wish.
- [walks away]
- Anthony DiNozzo: No, it is. It really is. You can measure it if you want.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Aaron, you won't last 48 hours at Marion.
- Lt. Cheney: I figure 24.
- Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: 5 bucks.
- Lt. Cheney: It's a bet.
- Detective Primo Monteleone: I've never paid for it in my life.
- Caitlin Todd: Uh huh.
- Detective Primo Monteleone: Well, I was 15 and my cousin Anzo paid Maggie O'Brien for the both of us, but that doesn't count.
- Caitlin Todd: Yes it does, Tony.
- Detective Primo Monteleone: I'm Primo.
- Caitlin Todd: Sorry, I can't tell you apart.
- Abby Sciuto: Five months ago, Petty Officer Lambert buried a simple command in the program to send him drugs.
- Timothy McGee: Lots of drugs.
- Abby Sciuto: McGee!
- Timothy McGee: Sorry.
- Abby Sciuto: For every 337 prescriptions, one was written for him. It's ingenious in its simplicity.
- Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What kind of drugs?
- Timothy McGee: Painkillers. Percocet, Vicodin, Oxycontin.
- Abby Sciuto: Oxycontin is twice as addictive as heroin. It's more addictive than pistachios.
- [Odd looks from Gibbs and McGee]
- Abby Sciuto: Well, have you ever just eaten one pistachio?
- Timothy McGee: Yes...
- [Promptly gets smacked on the back of the head by Gibbs]