Norm MacDonald: Norm Henderson

Quotes 

• Laurie Freeman : God! The game is still going on?

  Norm Henderson : Quiet! I'm praying!

  [Norm yells at Laurie whom has just walked up behind him in the bar as he watches the football game] 

  Laurie Freeman : Praying?

  Norm Henderson : Yes, and it's working, all right? I think God just tripped their leading scorer. Now, just quiet.

  [puts his hands together to pray] 

  Norm Henderson : Dear God, please let there be world peace, and please let there be a cure for cancer, and please let the ducks score

  [he says very quickly] 

  Norm Henderson : and, ah, the starving children, and, ah...

  Laurie Freeman : You're, you're trying to TRICK God!

  Norm Henderson : SSSHHHHH! I'm sure God can handle himself, all right? I'm sure he went to college.

• Moderator : Oh, I see we have someone new joining us this week.

  [seeing Norm enter and sit down] 

  Moderator : Would you like to start first?

  Norm Henderson : Well, I just wanna say, ah, that, ah, I used to think I was better than you people, you know? And then, ah, then somethin' happened to me recently where I realized that I, ah, have a problem, 'cause somethin' I did really hurt my brother, so I just wanna say that, ah, I have an addiction too, and I need help.

  [sits down, sad] 

  Tony : [another man stands up]  Hi, my name is Tony and I haven't had sex with a dead person in over two weeks.

  Norm Henderson : [Norm looks around confused, gets up and starts backing away, then sees a sign that reads: "ROOM 212 NECROPHILIACS ANONYMOUS"]  Hey, wait a minute - this isn't gambler anonymous, that must be down the hall.

  [opens the door to leave] 

  Norm Henderson : I just want to say something. Remember earlier when, ah, I said I wasn't better than you people? Well, I AM! I'm better than you people! And I'm gonna leave, all right? And if I should happen to die in the hallway, just STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME! All right? Keep your hands to yourself!