- Det. Frank Drebin: Is there a ransom note?
- Capt. Ed Hocken: Yes. The butler found it. It was tied to this window and thrown into the rock garden. I sent the note to the lab. They're demanding one million dollars.
- Det. Frank Drebin: Why would the lab demand a million dollars?
- Det. Frank Drebin: [narrating] Ed and I drove around for hours for no particular reason. We came up empty.
- Det. Frank Drebin: Evening. Is this 808 Garboniforus Road?
- Det. Frank Drebin: [the butler turns Drebin's piece of paper right side up] Maple Street?
- Thames: Yes sir, it is.
- Det. Frank Drebin: I'm from Police Squad, I'd like to see Captain Hocken.
- Thames: [takes Drebin's badge] Of course, Lieutenant, eh... Flebner.
- Thames: [Drebin turns the badge right side up] Eh, Drebin. Do come in.
- Ted Olson, Scientist: Why don't you run along now, Billy, and next week we'll discuss ten things you can do with a carrot.
- Det. Frank Drebin: I was just going over the arraignment report. It looks like the butler Thames will be doing his serving from now on up in the Statesville prison.
- Capt. Ed Hocken: Along with Martin, Dutch Gunderson, Lana and Sally Decker. Frank, when will people learn that crime doesn't pay?
- Det. Frank Drebin: Well, I suppose if they do learn, we'll be out of a job.
- [slaps Hocken's knee, they go into freeze frame]
- Det. Frank Drebin: Mr. Burton, we have men combing the entire lakefront area. If your daughter is close, we'll find her.
- Warner: The lakefront? My God, do you know how big that area is? My daughter's a needle in a haystack!
- Det. Frank Drebin: That's not true. I've seen a picture of her, she's very attractive.
- Capt. Ed Hocken: Maybe a little thin...
- Det. Frank Drebin: [searching for a Tuba store next to a filling station] Ed, you find anything?
- Capt. Ed Hocken: No, nothing. Frank, we've been through hundreds of these.
- [reading from yellow pages]
- Capt. Ed Hocken: Acme Tuba, Tuba World, Tubas Are Us...
- Al: [Wearing a Tuba City T-shirt] Can you take a phone call, Captain?
- Capt. Ed Hocken: Not now, Al!
- Capt. Ed Hocken: [continues reading] International House of Tubas, Tuba or Not Tuba, Tuba Legation. Ah, we've come to a dead end, Frank.
- Capt. Ed Hocken: [in the middle of a shootout] I'm going over there, Frank, and try to get behind him. Cover me!
- [Frank throws a couple of blankets over Ed, making him lose all direction]
- Prisoner: [a prisoner has gotten loose and is holding the cops at gunpoint] I got the gun now! And I'm gonna kill all of you... one by one.
- [Frank, oblivious, walks through a door, hitting the prisoner and knocking the gun from his hand; all the cops rush the prisoner and arrest him]
- Capt. Ed Hocken: Good job, Frank!
- Det. Frank Drebin: What?
- [Mrs. Burton starts crying over a failed ransom call trace]
- Det. Frank Drebin: Just relax. Everything's going to be all right.
- Capt. Ed Hocken: Mrs. Burton, what did he say?
- Mrs. Burton: Just relax. Everything's going to be all right.
- Capt. Ed Hocken: No. The kidnapper.
- Mrs. Burton: He said he'll call us soon for the instructions for the money drop. And if we don't do what he says, he'll kill Terri.
- [cries on her husband's shoulder]
- Mr. Burton: Lt. Drebin, what do I do?
- Det. Frank Drebin: Well, as I understand it, you're in the textile business.
- Mr. Burton: I mean, I don't want the police involved in this.
- Capt. Ed Hocken: Nah, we all got to work together to capture this kidnapper.
- Mr. Burton: I'll pay whatever ransom is necessary to get Terri back.
- Det. Frank Drebin: No, that would be giving into him. These people are emotionally unstable. Got a case like this, similar. Kidnappers cut the victim's ear off and send it to the family.
- [Mrs. Burton shrieks in disgust]
- Capt. Ed Hocken: So, you see, you've got to let us help you.
- Det. Frank Drebin: Not the whole ear, of course. Just a peace of it.
- [Mrs. Burton half sobs]
- Capt. Ed Hocken: And if this whole thing blows over, we'll return Terri's ear, if she's still alive.
- [Mrs. Burton starts sobbing]
- Det. Frank Drebin: She's taking it hard.
- Capt. Ed Hocken: Yeah. We'd better go, Frank. We'll leave Officer Nordberg here. If you need anything, just ask him.
- Det. Frank Drebin: We'll be in touch.
- [they start walking out, and approach Nordberg]
- Capt. Ed Hocken: After we go, I want you to nose around.
- Det. Frank Drebin: And keep an eye out for the ear.
- Norberg: Yes, Sir.
- [goes up to Mrs. Burton who is just beginning to wind down]
- Norberg: Don't you worry, Mrs. Burton. When Terri's ear comes, I'll handle it.
- [Mrs. Burton sobs again]
- Tommy Lasorda: It's my pitching, Johnny. You think I need another starter?
- Johnny the Snitch: How should I know?
- [Lasorda gives Johnny a dollar bribe]
- Johnny the Snitch: The rigors of a full season on a four-man rotation are just too demanding. You need a left-handed swing man to fill your long relief spot. Give him an occasional start and it'll round out your staff nicely.
- Tommy Lasorda: You're talking about a guy like Gossage, aren't you, Johnny?
- Johnny the Snitch: Oh, come on Tommy, use your head! Gossage is right-handed and besides, he can't throw more than two innings! Here's the names of five southpaws with career ERA's under 2.93. And you wouldn't have been in this mess if you hadn't given up Tommy John.