Police Squad! (TV Series)

Rendezvous at Big Gulch (Terror in the Neighborhood) (1982)

Leslie Nielsen: Det. Frank Drebin

Photos 

Quotes 

• Dutch Gunderson : Who are you and how did you get in here?

  Det. Frank Drebin : I'm a locksmith. And I'm a locksmith.

• Det. Frank Drebin : [narrating]  It took me two weeks to find Stella's apartment. She had neglected to give me her address.

• Det. Frank Drebin : The way I look at it, you owe me 100 dollars for that window.

  Rocky : Us? I don't know what you're talking about.

  Det. Frank Drebin : So how do you explain this?

  [hands over the rock that came through the window] 

  Leo : Well, billions of years ago the Earth was a molten mass...

• Det. Frank Drebin : Now we can't let these vermin infest our city. We'll have a rotten, scum-sucking cesspool.

  Police officer : [off camera]  Frank, please! I'm trying to eat this tuna fish sandwich.

  Det. Frank Drebin : A rat-infested, worm-ridden festering boil.

  [another cop leaves] 

  Capt. Ed Hocken : [off camera]  Oh Frank, cut it out, will you? I'm talking to my mother.

• Det. Frank Drebin : Why don't you lie there till Tuesday... that's when they pick up the garbage.

• Rocky : Betcha'd hate to see something happen to your little key store.

  Det. Frank Drebin : What about my little keister?

  Rocky : Key STORE.

• Det. Frank Drebin : How many of these apartment keys would you like?

  Stella : 50. You can mail 49 of them to the Chicago Bears.

  [hands over an envelope] 

• Det. Frank Drebin : Now let's say a new merchant moves into the neighbourhood, opens up a shop.

  Capt. Ed Hocken : OK...

  Frank , Ed : A new merchant moves into the neighbourhood, and opens up a shop.

  Frank : Then let's say that merchant attracts a certain couple of thugs who demand payments.

  Ed : All right.

  Frank , Ed : That merchant attracts a certain couple of thugs who demand payments.

• Dutch Gunderson : [on phone with Stella]  Schnooky lumps. You never called me that before. What happened last night to bring this on?

  Det. Frank Drebin : [instructing Stella what to say]  When you held me in your manly armes and crushed me to your lips, I discovered what it meant to be a real woman. When I think of your handsome face, your cruel lips, your strong chin, the way you touch, the way you smother me with kisses...

  Dutch Gunderson : Honey, I gotta go.

• Det. Frank Drebin : Well, there's one thing for sure: if Gunderson wants to run a protection racket, from now on he's gonna have to do it in the Statesville Prison.

• Det. Frank Drebin : Cigarette?

  Jill the Ballet Teacher : Yes it is.

• Det. Frank Drebin : I'm here to help you. Coffee?

  Jill the Ballet Teacher : No thank you.

  Drebin : Tea?

  Jill : No.

  Drebin : [a dessert tray rolls up]  Eclair? Rum ball? Torte?

  Jill : No, really. Thank you.