- Goldie Hawn: You know, I'm positive there's no such thing as E.S.P.
- Dan Rowan: Well, what makes you so sure, Goldie?
- Goldie Hawn: Well, I feel it in my bones.
- Julius Caesar: Uh, Cleopatra, what is the significance of the Sphinx, that huge lion carved in granite?
- Cleopatra: Oh, Well, it represents the first Egyptian cat to, eh... get stoned.
- Dave Madden: If the black people are supposed to have such a great sense of rhythm, now how come they have so many children?
- The Parson: Our forefathers came to America to find freedom of religion. Nowadays, America is about as free from religion as you can get.
- George Jessel: You know, my doctor tells me that I have the body of a seventeen year old, but I think I'll have to give her up.
- Dave Madden: If the Good Lord didn't intend us to think naughty thoughts, then why did he give us confetti?
- Ruth Buzzi: The first union was marriage, and that's when people found out what union grievances were.
- Jo Anne Worley: You know, the best thing about the eight hour day is that it gives us a sixteen hour night.