- Dave Madden: You know something, camera? If Raquel Welch married Cassius Clay, eh, well, that would be like bringing the mountains to Mohammed.
- Arte Johnson: My uncle was on television last week. The night before that, he was on the radio. And the day before that, he was on the floor. He hasn't made it to the bedroom once this month.
- Rock Hudson: A recent survey shows that 95 per cent of American homes have television, while only 90 per cent have bathtubs. Which means, that at the present moment, this show is being watched by at least three million dirty people.
- Henry Gibson: Was it very crowded at the White House reception last night, Alan?
- Alan Sues: [laughing] Not under my table!
- Jo Anne Worley: [imitating Cary Grant] Judy, Judy, Judy!
- Judy Carne: What is it, Jo Anne?
- Jo Anne Worley: Tell me this!
- Judy Carne: What?
- Jo Anne Worley: What has four wheels and flies?
- Judy Carne: Timothy Leary's rollaway bed!
- Judy Carne: Mister Brooks?
- Mel Brooks: Yes?
- Judy Carne: Uhm... are you really the 2,000 Year Old Man?
- Mel Brooks: No.
- Judy Carne: Oh, bye.
- Rock Hudson: I love working with Doris Day. She's completely untouched by all that fame and fortune. And if you've seen our movies, you know she's completely untouched.
- Judy Carne: In my college, we learn all about sex education. Why, one day last week, they even mentioned it in the classroom.
- Bob Newhart: You probably think I'm, I'm a little strange, eh, standing here talking into a phone that's not connected, but there's a, there's a logical explanation. I'm... I'm talking to Shelley Berman.
- Goldie Fairy: Judy Fairy?
- Judy Fairy: Yes?
- Goldie Fairy: Can I borrow a cup of stardust? Hoagy Carmichael's coming to dinner.
- Dave Madden: Miss Ormphby, well what do you think of that girl who posed nude on the record cover with John Lennon?
- Gladys Ormphby: Yoko Ono?
- Dave Madden: Oh, no, no, thanks, I just put one out.