- Rock Hudson: If Judy Carne married Art Carney, she would be Judy Carne Carney. Then, if she caught a cold, she'd be Judy Chilly Carne Carney.
- Dave Madden: My wife left me.
- Sweet Brother Dick Whittington: Are you sad, Dave?
- Dave Madden: Of course! She took my girlfriend with her!
- [throws confetti]
- Dick Martin: Well, I see by the lil' old finger in the air that it's Flying Fickled Finger of Fate Award time again.
- Dan Rowan: How right you are.
- George Gobel: It's unromantic being short. How would you like to have to whisper sweet nothings into a girl's elbow?
- Judy Carne: Why shouldn't eighteen year olds be allowed to vote? It'd give the drop outs something to do, what with the bars being closed and all.
- Rod Serling: Laugh-In reminds me of my wedding: something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue.
- Chelsea Brown: When I was a kid in school, I didn't do very well. It's not easy getting from the back of the bus to the front of the class in Mississippi.
- Dick Gregory: Our people are making some progress. Last year we got out first colored hurricane; "Beulah".
- Dave Madden: I hear Raquel Welch visited several undeveloped countries. Actually, until she got there, they didn't know they were undeveloped.
- Dick Gregory: Up in Harlem, we call this The Chelsea Brown Show.
- Chelsea Brown: Well, ring my chimes!
- Goldie Hawn: I don't understand why they have literacy tests. I mean, if you don't have to be smart to run, why should you have to be smart to vote?
- Dan Rowan: Older models are always cheaper.
- Dick Martin: Well, they're a little more grateful, but they're not any cheaper.