- The Parson: I'm in favor of religion on TV, but why change the name of "Sermonette" to "Missionary: Impossible"?
- Ruth Buzzi: If George Washington were alive today, what would he be famous for?
- Victor Borge: Old age.
- Ruth Buzzi: Right!
- Rosemary Clooney: A lot of people are confused. It's not that blondes have more fun, it's the guys with them that have more fun.
- Victor Borge: If the good Lord intended for us to watch television, he would have given us square eyeballs.
- Judy Carne: Don't worry about the politics of the young people. They're just trying to get back to the grass roots.
- Victor Borge: The Russians are talking about a gradual withdrawal from Czechoslovakia. That's like a dentist gradually withdrawing a tooth.
- Alan Sues: Kids today really have it soft. When I went to school, it was ten miles each way and my chauffeur never complained.
- Jo Anne Worley: Eh, my boyfriend kinda reminds me of television, you see, he's got a great vertical hold.