- Chris Matthews: Don't look now, people, but President Bush's approval rating's going down faster than Paris Hilton in the back of Limp Bizkit's tour bus.
- Tina Fey: The preliminary hearing in Kobe Bryant's rape trial turned ugly on Thursday when Pamela Mackey, Bryant's lawyer, "accidentally" said his accuser's name in court, violating Colorado privacy laws. And, after being admonished by the judge, Mackey went on to repeat the woman's name five times, which is really bad, cause, what lawyer Pamela Mackey did by mentioning the woman's name, is to put her at risk of further harassment. A lawyer like, Pamela Mackey, of the Colorado firm, Haddon, Morgan, Muller, George, Mackey and Foreman, which is probably in the 303 area code, should know that people can go on the internet and look up any name like Joe Smith or, I don't know, Pamela Mackey, and learn everything about them and call them and mess with them. So, be more careful, lawyer Pamela Mackey, 'cause I heard a rumor that you're a little unstable and you like to give wabblejobs to homeless guys, and I want you to focus up and win this trial. I'm Pamela Mackey. Back to you, Pamela Mackey.
- [Punk'd spoof]
- 50 Cent: Whoa I'm not going in there, there's a vampire in my bathroom.
- [the vampire, Dax, walks out, and 50 cent shoots him to death]
- Ashton Kutcher: Whoa. 50 Cent you just got Punk'd! You didn't know you were going to kill somebody, and Dax didn't know he was going to get killed! Double Punk'd! I am so awesome!
- ["Newlyweds" parody]
- Nick Lachey: To be honest, she can't even cure a ham.
- Jessica Simpson: Aww, is the ham sick?