- Stevie Wonder: [singing to the tune of 'Ebony and Ivory'] I am dark, and you are light.
- Frank Sinatra: You are blind as a bat, and I have sight!
- Paulette Clooney: Hey, Petey! Olivia Newton-John in the john! Can you believe it? Olivia Neutron-Bomb going to the toilet?
- The Colonel: Hitler sneaking into heaven? This comedy piece has no right to be on your program, it's obviously stolen from Monty Python.
- Peter: Come off it, Graham, come off it, are you kidding?
- The Colonel: One: you got a man dressed as a woman.
- Hitler: [high pitched voice] No!
- The Colonel: Two: I distinctly saw that man doing a silly walk.
- [indicating Hitler]
- Peter: He did not.
- The Colonel: And three: You got no ending.
- Frank Sinatra: Now, I talked, I talked to, eh, the master, Sammy Kahn. And, uh, Sammy is a uh, a uh, marvelous, marvelous songwriter, no offense, Stevie. And, uh.. uh Sammy thinks we should go with something like. uh... Chocolate and Vanilla. Or, uh, how about this: "Life is an Eskimo Pie, why don't we take a bite?"
- Stevie Wonder: I'm afraid that might be a bit offensive to some people.
- Frank Sinatra: Hey, who cares what the Eskimos thin, they don't buy records, huh, huh?
- Frank Sinatra: Well, uh.. I don't understand. When I think Ebony, I think of a magazine that most people do not buy. And when I think of Ivory, I think of a soap that floats.
- SNL Newsbreak Anchor: Mary, any reasonably healthy man could pick you up, easily.
- Mary Gross: Oh, not without buying me a couple o' drinks first.