- Nurse Laverne Roberts: Dr. Cox! Would you like to try some of my world-famous deviled eggs?
- Dr. Perry Cox: No, thanks, I've already had diarrhea.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Dammit, Perry, you're there to teach! If I wanted somebody to lay around all day and do nothing, I would've wheeled in a corpse... or my housekeeper, Rosalba.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Captain Clip-On? Did you go ahead and tattle on me?
- Ted: Oh, please, with the shocked look. Newsflash -- I'm sterile!
- [Dr. Cox and Dr. Kelso both look at him in odd surprise]
- Ted: I mean gutless!... My guys swim in circles. I--I think it's the bike-riding.
- Female Patient: You know, Doctor, I'm getting a little tired of the sexual innuendo.
- Todd: In your end-o!
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Shorts, huh?
- Janitor: Yeah. What, I don't get to wear shorts, 'cause I'm just a lowly janitor?
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I didn't say "lowly."
- Janitor: Oh, so now I'm a janitor?
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Yes! Have you been drinking?
- Janitor: I'm not DRUNK.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Sooo, Ted! How is Professor Cox doing?
- Ted: Excellent, sir! And you know what else? I quit!
- Dr. Bob Kelso: No, you don't.
- Ted: Well, I'm leaving early today!
- Dr. Bob Kelso: No, you're coming back to my office and doing busy work!
- Ted: Fine. But I'm getting a soda first!
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Whatever.
- [Dr. Kelso leaves, and Ted raises his arms over his head in victory]
- Dr. Elliot Reid: She's a drama queen, J.D.! When her husband was in a coma, it was all, like, taboo and exciting; but now that it's okay for the two of you to be together, the relationship's got no snap... it's got no crackle. J.D... .
- [gravely]
- Dr. Elliot Reid: It's got no pop.
- Dr. Perry Cox: You wanna know the real skinny? If you want to be good doctors and nurses, you damn-sure better get ready to get in trouble -- a lot. Because patients are stupid, and they are really scared. And some of them need you to hold their hands, and you should. Others need you to kick their asses, and you absolutely should do that, too. But, it really all just comes down to whether or not you got the guts to say just exactly what you know in your heart of hearts you really should say.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [the Janitor sneaks up on J.D] Holy shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
- Janitor: [whispering] Shhhhhh! Calm down. I didn't mean to scare you.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [whispering] Why are we whispering?
- Janitor: [whispering] I wanted to see if you would whisper because I whispered.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [whispering] I think I would.
- Janitor: [in a normal tone] Anyway...
- Janitor: [J.D. is wearing short scrub shorts] So, anyway, you said you liked mine, and I had the wife whip you up a pair of your own! You like 'em?
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [flabbergasted] Do I like 'em? Why, just the other day, I was asking myself, "How can I display my package in a way that's both alluring and professional?"
- Janitor: Well, there's your answer!
- Dr. Elliot Reid: [In the seminar Dr. Cox is teaching] Dr. Cox! This is useless, I thought we were really going to learn something?
- Dr. Perry Cox: Barbie, why did they toss you in here?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh, they didn't! I'm, uh... uh, I'm... auditing.
- Ted: See, Dr. Cox, this is, uh, the sort of hostile behavior that can cause us legal difficulty.
- Dr. Perry Cox: [whistles] Ted! I just might rip that tie off your neck and jam it down your esophagus.
- Ted: I think you proved at Nurse Roberts' above-ground pool party that that doesn't solve anything.
- Janitor: What's the deal? We're supposed to be shorts buddies today. You saw the schedule: Monday-Tuesday, shorts; Wednesday, we wash 'em; Thursday-Friday, shorts; weekend, optional -- I'll be wearing shorts.
- Jamie Moyer: So, do you think Elliot's somewhere right now, crying her eyes out?
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, without a doubt... . But not about me. No, I... I kinda made all that stuff up. It just seems like you and I only really click when something crazy is going on.
- Jamie Moyer: Mm.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I dunno, I guess I realized I don't really want to be in a relationship like that.
- Jamie Moyer: [sexily] Is that an ultimatum?
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: No, Jamie, no. It's not an ultimatum, it's just something to think about.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Hey, uh, I just wanted to say, you were right about Jamie.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Uh-huh. And what does Jamie think you're doing over here?
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Asking you not to show up at my apartment drunk, naked, and crying.
- Ted: Okay, gang! Before we begin, Dr. Kelso wants me to remind you of the legal ramifications of all your teensy snafus.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Teensy snafus? Good God, Ted, it's not a Dr. Seuss story!
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Now, listen up, nametags! Over fifty percent of our lawsuits can be traced back to poor patient-doctor communication. To that end, if any of you still feel the need to flap your babble holes, you will be joining me in my new daily seminar on doctor-patient relations. My first invitee will be Dr. Murphy, whom I recently overheard telling someone, Stop bleeding, stop bleeding, oh, God, please stop bleeding.
- Doug: It was a gusher!
- Dr. Elliot Reid: You wanna know why things with Jamie are so 'lamey'?
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: We're doing fine.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh, please. She's clearing you out of her apartment.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Wrong! She just came by because she knows today at work, I need my...
- [rummages through the box]
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: ... squash goggles.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Mm.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I have to saw something later.
- Dr. Perry Cox: [Dr. Cox is chewing out a patient] Nine pounds in a WEEK? Let me ask you a quick question: are you trying to make my head explode? Because you have no idea just how frustrating it is working your ASS off trying to inflate a tiny little balloon inside someone's clogged artery. And all that a person has to do, really, is -- oh, I don't know -- go for a walk in the morning or choke down a fresh green salad. And you come back here looking like that! And I know, I know, here I'm supposed to be Dr. Give A Crap, but you wanna know the God's honest truth? And this is a fact -- you are what you eat, and you clearly went out and devoured a big fat guy, didn'cha!