- Dr. Perry Cox: No, Newbie, I have not killed. But I happen to be, as always, the exception that proves the rule. So, right about now, you gotta be asking yourself, do you think you're *that* good?
- Turk: Hey. Baby. I'm gonna head home and watch some television with Rowdy.
- Carla: Rowdy? NO! Um, you shouldn't go home.
- J.D.: Why?
- Carla: I need you to go somewhere for me. I want you to go to a... STRIP CLUB!
- Turk: Okay!
- J.D.: Hey, Turk, can I talk to you for a second?
- Turk: Can't talk now! Good stuff's happenin'!
- Dr. Perry Cox: Each and every one of you is going to kill a patient. At some point during your residency you will screw up, they will die, and it will be burned into your conscience forever. Hell, take pee-pants, here -
- Doug Murphy: Pee-pants...
- Dr. Perry Cox: - he just might go ahead and get himself a good clean kill this morning, seeing as his patient, Mrs. Samson, is in DKA and he hasn't been tracking her phosphate level. Her phosphate level. Her phosphate level.
- J.D.: Doug! Stop writing and go!
- Dr. Perry Cox: That young man has killed so many patients, I'm starting to think he just might be a government operative. The point is, the harder you study, the longer you just might be able to hold off that first kill. Other than that, I guess cross your fingers and hope that the guy you murder is a jackass with no family. Great to see you kids. All the best!
- Dr. Elliot Reid: I understand that because of his drug problem, some of you don't think that Mr. Phillips is a good candidate for surgery, but believe me, he understands that this heart valve is a responsibility. Those of you who have met him, like Ted, can attest to this.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: This is a very dicey case. Ted, what do you think?
- Ted Buckland: She knows my name! Whatever she wants!
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Very ethical. Why don't I open the floor to those people who currently do not have erections? Dr. Clock. Do you think this guy'll stay clean?
- Dr. Molly Clock: Oh, I'm just here as a friend. I think you should ask Ted again.
- Ted Buckland: Oh, good God, she knows it too! Am I awake?
- Dr. Molly Clock: Look, I know you're mad.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Why? Because you betrayed me? Betrayer.
- Dr. Molly Clock: Look, I'm sorry, but when they asked me for my professional opinion, I had to give it.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh, I don't know, if you were a real friend you could have lied, kept your mouth shut, made out with me - any of the stuff that we talked about!
- Dr. Molly Clock: Did you just page me so you could rub my face in this?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Yes. Uh, there's also a couple of messages on your home machine.
- Dr. Molly Clock: Look, Elliot, I hope I'm wrong, and I hope he stays clean. Let's just not make this personal, okay?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Said the loser.
- [laughs]
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Who lost.
- Dr. Molly Clock: Don't push me. 'Cause one of the reasons I became a therapist is I've always been able to zero in on a person's greatest insecurity.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Come on. I know you're scared. A lot of times you feel like a little girl in a big gal's body. But here's the dirty little secret: Fear is good. It keeps you from becoming a crappy doctor. Trick is you just can't let it paralyze you. But don't you worry about a thing, there, Newbie. You're a sure thing to get a kill. In fact, should be any day now!
- J.D.: Heaven's a diner?
- Mrs. Tanner: Get anything you want, dear.
- J.D.: Oh... maybe I'll have flapjacks.
- Elaine: They don't have those.
- J.D.: No flapjacks in heaven? Are flapjacks evil? Ehr... don't worry about it. Listen, dead people... do any of you fell that I may have, you know... killed you?
- Mr. Bursky: No.
- Mr. Simon: I mean, you weren't a great doctor...
- Elaine: He was nervous.
- Mrs. Tanner: Oh, like a little bird. But no, dear, you didn't kill any of us.
- J.D.: [after a waitress handed him the bill] Y-You know what? I left my wallet back on Earth...
- Dr. Molly Clock: Don't push me. 'Cause one of the reasons I became a therapist is I've always been able to zero in on a person's greatest insecurity.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Ohhh, I'm real scared, Molly, what'cha gonna...
- Dr. Molly Clock: Eyebrows.
- [walks away]
- J.D.: Eyebrows. Like that's gonna make you -
- [Tears stream mascara tracks down Elliot's face]
- J.D.: Elliot, come on, you can't be *that* insecure.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Giant Adam's apple!
- J.D.: [Trying not to be emotional] I have to go.
- J.D.: [Thinking] Elliot's comment didn't bother me, because I'm proud of the body God gave me.
- J.D.: Dr. Cox, I want to thank you for that "everyone's a murderer" speech. Nice scare tactic. Unfortunately, my residents have stopped eating.
- Dr. Perry Cox: That wasn't a scare tactic, Portia! Eventually everyone commits a sin of omission or doesn't act quickly enough, and somebody kicks the bucket. It's really... it's really not a question of "if" - it's a question of "when."
- J.D.: Mr. Daniels, some fluid has gathered near your heart, so I'm gonna schedule a periocardiocentesis and drain it with a needle.
- Mr. Daniels: Someone's gonna stick a needle in my chest?
- J.D.: Not just someone -- Dr. de Man.
- Mr. Daniels: Who's Dr. de Man?
- J.D.: Say it... say it without the "Dr."
- Mr. Daniels: Who's Mr. de Man?
- J.D.: No, just say the--the last name.
- Mr. Daniels: Who's de Man?
- J.D.: [overly excited] I'm de Man! That was awesome! That was fun doing that with you.
- Dr. Molly Clock: [about Rowdy] Well, I'm sure he's more than a pet to Turk. I mean he's basically a link to his childhood.
- Carla: He bought him eight years ago at a garage sale.
- Dr. Molly Clock: Oh, well, then he's just a Nutter Butter.
- Janitor: Heard you're trying to clean a dead dog.
- Carla: Yeah, who told you that?
- Janitor: Mmm, the wind... .
- [beat]
- Janitor: Blonde doctor.
- Carla: Oh.
- Janitor: I can clean it for you.
- Carla: Why would you do that?
- Janitor: I don't know... . Still a little drunk from breakfast. Plus, taxidermy used to be kind a... hobby of mine. You know, till the state took my license away.
- Carla: How come?
- Ted Buckland: [walking past] What happened to all the cute little squirrels, Flo?
- J.D.: So, Mrs. Carter, it turns out your fever was just a reaction to the anesthetic we gave you during your cataract surgery. I'm sending you home.
- Mrs. Carter: Can I drive my trans-am?
- J.D.: That's not up to me, Mrs. Carter. It's up to the police and the owner of those horses you killed.
- Mrs. Carter: Ohhh, they were everywhere!
- J.D.: You were on a racetrack, Mrs. Carter.
- Dr. Molly Clock: [to Elliot] I tell you what: I'll go with you for moral support. And, you know, if things get dicey 'cause it's just a bunch of stuffed shirts, then we could make out -- and they'll give you whatever you want.
- Todd: [Todd rushes in dressed for surgery] What? I thought I heard something.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Goodbye, Todd.
- Todd: [dejected] Back to the transplant.
- Dr. Molly Clock: Hey! Did somebody page me? I'm sorry I took so long, I was just eating lunch.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh, of course you were. It's 8:30 in the morning.
- Carla: [carrying Rowdy, the stuffed dog] Turk! What is Rowdy doing in my closet?
- Turk: [matter-of-factly] He's guarding your shoes, baby!
- Carla: He almost gave me a heart attack!
- Turk: Baby, could you do me a favor and not hold him by the haunches like that? Yeah, he has hip dysplasia.
- J.D.: He's a pure-bred -- it's genetic.