- Julie Keaton: This drug is the best one on the market. The only side effects are nausea, impotence and anal leakage.
- Dr. Cox: And, I'm getting two out of three, just from having this conversation.
- Todd: Why won't any women talk to me?
- Nurse: Because you're slimy. And you turn everything into a double entendre.
- Todd: Not true!
- Dr. Christopher Turk: [the nurse leaves] Go ahead.
- Todd: I'd like to double her entendre!
- Elliot: I don't know what to do. I don't know whether I should send her to surgery.
- J.D.: No, don't send her to surgery. I'll tell you what to do. You wait and see. And I know I'm right 'cause I'm a wait-and-see kinda guy. You know Elliot in modern medicine we're faced with tough decisions almost everyday...
- Elliot: You're amazing.
- J.D.: Well, amazing's sort of a strong word, I just show up and let the lord work through me.
- Elliot: You actually think you're a better doctor than me.
- Julie Keaton: Why does it have to be like this every time I come here? I mean, what is your problem with me?
- Dr. Cox: Okay. Well, for starters, everyone here knows that you sell pills, and yet you use phrases like "take orally" and "increases blood flow" way, WAY too much. I mean, jeepers, Julie, don't you understand you got half the doctors on this staff believing that if they go ahead and join Team Plomox, that they got an outside shot of you showing them the cotton inside your bottle? Would you like to know the real dirty, dirty little secret? It's that your drug is so damn good that you guys went ahead and put a six-hundred percent mark-up on it. But, hey, the only ones who get hurt are the sick people, right? And since your company damn-sure doesn't care about them, and you're part of the system, that just means you don't care, either. And that's... pretty much what's making me sick; that's all.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: So, you're having steak with a side of steak?
- Dr. Christopher Turk: That's right -- turf and turf.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: You kids can talk more about it tonight over the pharmaceutical dinner that you're going to help her put together.
- Dr. Cox: Don't do this to me, Bob!
- Julie Keaton: Do it to him, Bob!
- Dr. Bob Kelso: And Perry, we're going to need a big staff turn-out, so don't take "no" for an answer!
- Dr. Cox: You going, there, Chief?
- Dr. Bob Kelso: No! If I wanted to make boring small talk over low-grade beef, I'd have dinner at home.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Oh, don't be frightened, sweetheart. No one's on trial, here -- at least not until the family sues your little behind.
- [Elliot laughs]
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Sweetie, I'm not joking. But, should that happen, you may rest assured that the hospital will stand behind you one-hundred percent.
- Elliot: Thank you very much, sir.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Now, see, there I WAS joking. Try to keep up.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: You know what? I'm on my second glass of good wine, I'm watching my boyfriend try to eat his body-weight in meat, and I am extremely tickled that the only thing Dr. Cox wants isn't on the menu. Ha!
- Dr. Cox: [Dr. Cox turns around after staring at Julie] What?
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Oh, what can I say? I'm finally having a good time.
- Dr. Cox: That'll pass.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: So, Mr. Brooks is doing peachy, huh?
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Peachy-keen.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Great. Great! A patient's improvement is always cause for celebration here at Sacred Heart. And yet, for some reason, I'm not wearing a party hat, sitting bare-ass on the hospital's copier machine. You know why? It's not because I have the name Johnny tattooed on my butt -- he's an old sailor buddy, and if you went through what we did, you'd understand.
- Julie Keaton: Hi, handsome! I'm Julie.
- J.D.: Ohh? Were you named after a precious jewel... ie?
- Julie Keaton: You're cute! Would you like a pen?
- J.D.: [trying to be suave] No, I'd... LOVE one.