- Keith: Nailed it!
- J.D.: Good job man! What did you say?
- Keith: Well, I just told him there's nothing more we can do right now.
- Turk and J.D.: Ohhhhh!
- Keith: What?
- J.D.: "Nothing more we can do right now" implies there may be something we can do tomorrow.
- Keith: Well, I also said we'd make him as comfortable as possible.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Sounds like someone's getting new pillows and a comforter.
- Keith: That man knows he's doomed!
- [the patient happily waves at them]
- J.D.: Yeeeah, I'm gonna need you to go back in there and use some form of the words die, dead, dying, deadsies, deadwood. Your choice.
- Keith: What was the middle one?
- J.D.: Deadsies.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: This Friday, I am receiving an award from the A.M.A...
- Dr. Perry Cox: Jerk-Off of the Year. No, Bastard of the Year! Uh, don't you tell me! Guy I Despise So Much, I'd Pay Someone To Kill Ya and Stuff Ya and Leave you by my Bed, So That When I Wake Up in the Morning, I Could Roll Over and Punch You in the Face... of the Year.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Look, if you get up there and start kissing Kelso's ass, all your fellow attendings will forever think of you as a brown-nosing toady. On the other hand, if you don't pucker up, Kelso will make your life a living hell. You're officially trapped.
- J.D.: I'll just say something nice about him that's actually true.
- Dr. Perry Cox: You go do that. And I'll go find God, quit drinking, get in touch with myself emotionally, and we'll meet right back here at half past impossible. Mm'kay?
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Listen up, bozos. That gentleman over there is basically a cash piñata waiting to be whacked open. So how about someone diagnoses him so I can get my candy?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Look, Lorraine, the sooner you let me have a look at that rash, the sooner we can get you back home.
- [the patient looks at her]
- Dr. Elliot Reid: I mean, back on the street, which is your home. Hey! Home Street Home, huh?
- [Chuckles and snorts]
- Dr. Elliot Reid: I'm sorry, Lorraine, that was incredibly insensitive.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Elliot, nobody respects clinic doctors.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Really, Turk? I think your hernia patient does.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: [Laughing] I'm not upset about that!
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: It's obvious you are.
- J.D.: It's more obvious to me, baby - I mean Turk.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Look, I know this place isn't the greatest, but it's not like I lie awake thinking about being yelled at by Dr. Cox or playing Jiggly Ball with the orderlies.
- J.D.: Can you believe Elliot's working in a free clinic?
- Dr. Perry Cox: Who?
- J.D.: Dr. Reid?
- Dr. Perry Cox: I'm sorry, that's just not ringing a bell.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: She and J.D. used to sleep together.
- Dr. Perry Cox: J.D.?
- J.D.: That's not even funny!
- Dr. Perry Cox: Priscilla, I honestly, on my mother's grave, thought your real name was Carol.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Mr. Keck! What do you say we get you into surgery and take care of that hernia!
- Mr. Keck: Ummm, I don't know if surgery is necessary. Last night I was in pain, so I went to a free clinic. The doctor there said surgery wasn't my only option.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Well, you're just gonna have to get him on the phone and tell him that I won't be second-opinioned by a clinic doctor who couldn't carry my jockstrap!
- [Holds his hand up to J.D]
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Gimme some!
- J.D.: [High-fives him] Here it is.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: [in Free Clinic, on the phone with Mr Keck] Yeah, I think I know this guy. Is he a cocky black doctor with a white doctor following him around and looking at him like he's in love?
- J.D.: [in in Mr Kecks room]
- [to Turk]
- J.D.: You would make a pretty girl.
- Mr. Keck: [Into phone] Yeah.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: [back in Free Clinic] All right, now repeat after me...
- Mr. Keck: [to Turk] "You can't decide for me, that's not your duty."
- Dr. Elliot Reid: And are they both trying not to laugh at the word "duty"?
- Mr. Keck: [J.D. and Turk try to hold their giggles back]
- [Into phone]
- Mr. Keck: Yeah. Hey, Heckle and Jeckle, you know what? No surgery.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: [Grabbing the phone] Who the hell is this?
- Free Clinic Patient: [into Phone] Where are my shoelaces?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: I said to tell him that he had a laxity in the peritoneal wall and that surgery was unnecessarily invasive! Was that so hard?
- Dr. Perry Cox: Mr. Morrison, I understand that one of our interns spent an hour in here telling you over and over that you are going to die. I would make him apologize personally, but I'm having him spend the rest of the day checking that countertop's heartbeat.
- Keith: [Standing and waving] Sorry, Mr. Morrison!
- Dr. Perry Cox: KEITH! I think Mr. Countertop would really appreciate your undivided attention.
- J.D.: [narrating] I don't know why we were running. Because I think we both knew that we couldn't change anything. Because given a choice between a rich guy and a poor guy, it was pretty obvious who Bob Kelso would put in the drug trial... and who he'd leave behind. Another banner day at Sacred Heart. A best friend stuck in a crappy job... A nice guy slowly dying without a fighting chance. It's a wonder how anyone can walk out of this place with a smile on their face.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Guys, listen, we really need to help Elliot.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Baby, she said she doesn't want to be helped.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: If J.D. were drowning and he told you he didn't want you to save him, wouldn't you do it?
- Dr. Christopher Turk: That depends. What if there're hot chicks at the pool? Maybe he wants one of them to jump in and save him?
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Let's say there's no women.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: There's always women at the pool, baby!
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Fine. He's in a pond.
- J.D.: Oh, I would never swim in a pond! They're infamous for serpents!
- Dr. Christopher Turk: You could swim at the Y on Tuesdays - men only
- J.D.: Have you been to the Y on man night? Not me.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: N - oka - fine! Turk's the one who's drowning!
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Oh! So now a brother can't swim!
- J.D.: Why do you have to go there?
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Oh my God! I would rather play Jiggly Ball than try to explain this to you two idiots.
- J.D.: [thinking] She's the idiot! We're doctors.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: I told you guys to leave it alone.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Oh, would you stop being so proud?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: I'm proud? Carla! After the wedding, you wouldn't even take Turk's name!
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: I use it for official things!
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Letting him call you Mrs. Turk in the bedroom isn't official.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: But it is officially hot!
- Dr. Elliot Reid: And Turk, you freaked out when the hernia patient listened to me over you. And J.D.! You just let the entire hospital pummel you with tennis balls because you were too proud to admit you didn't know what "Jiggly Ball" was.
- J.D.: Guys, why?
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: The Janitor told us that if we pretended to know about Jiggly Ball, we get to throw tennis balls at you.
- J.D.: Ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Bob Kelso is a...
- Dr. Bob Kelso: [Rises and takes the mic] Thank you, Dr. Dorian!
- [the audience claps]
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Thank you so much for this award. Delighted to see you all...
- Dr. Perry Cox: Did I say he wanted a long introduction? Because Kelso just, he just likes when people say his name. Hope you didn't obsess too much about that, Newbie.
- J.D.: As far as Bob Kelso goes, I know sometimes even the good things he does are for the wrong reasons. Still, I also know that I wouldn't want to have to make any of the decisions that he makes.
- J.D.: I can't believe you kept a secret. Remember before your wedding when you sold me out to Turk?
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: J.D., you showed up drunk at my shower screaming through tears that I'd never be as emotionally connected to him as you are.
- J.D.: Turk knew I was joking.
- [Voice over]
- J.D.: Because we're so emotionally connected.