Scrubs (TV Series)

My Ocardial Infarction (2005)

Zach Braff: Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian

Quotes 

• Dr. Perry Cox : Say! That was some real Nancy Drew stuff, there... Nancy. I mean, absolutely irrelevant as far as medicine goes, but damn amusing.

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Don't feel weird because you're threatened by my gift. Many are.

  Dr. Perry Cox : Did you feel that you weren't quite annoying enough without adding a delusional sense of grandeur? Because I promise you... you are annoying enough; in fact, you're the number one contender for the middleweight annoyance crown.

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Well, you're the number one jealous... weight for the jealous... weight jealous c-champ...

  Dr. Perry Cox : [in a excited commentator-like tone]  He's done it! He's done it! Dorian's the most annoying man... in the world! Who would have ever thought a journeyman annoyer like Dorian...

  [leaves while speaking] 

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : You were a close second...

• Daisy : Here's your shirt Dr. Reid.

  Dr. Elliot Reid : Wow, Daisy, enjoy your weekend you little scrapper!

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Umm, Daisy, I'm supposed to ask you, can Lonnie have his lower lip back?

  Daisy : It's my trophy.

  Dr. Elliot Reid : Ahh.

• Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : [Voice over]  The worst thing is realizing when a friend is taking pity on you.

• Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Elliot diagnosed Mrs. Kasuba, not me.

  Dr. Perry Cox : I know. And your guilty anguish is

  [licks fingers] 

  Dr. Perry Cox : -- it's delicious. It's like a little mini-meal between lunch and dinner. Quite frankly, it's all I can do not to grind pepper on your head.

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : I don't get it. When did she become a better doctor than me?

  Dr. Perry Cox : Probably during one of those countless times you were goofing off?

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Hey! As soon as I step foot in this hospital, I'm all business.

  [Flashback: J.D. is atop someone's shoulders and draped in Chet's large white coat] 

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Good morning, Dr. Cox! From the world's most giant doctor!

  [Cut back to present] 

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Well, that was outside the hospital. Plus, Elliot was the legs. Sure, she's skinny, but she's thick through the trunk.

• Dr. Elliot Reid : J.D., you've been the golden boy around here for the past three years while I have cried in closets and hid from Dr. Cox and relied on you every single day to get me through it. I mean, now that I am finally doing well enough to pay you back, maybe you can tell me why you're being such an unbelievable jerk?

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Because you're the one that's supposed to struggle -- not me.

• Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Elliot, if you need help, just ask Dr. Diagnosis. You could be my sidekick! Bangs McCoy!

• Doug : You know, I don't really like you guys playing with my cadavers.

  Dr. Elliot Reid : Oh, really, Doug? So how come that one over there has a soda in his hand?

  Doug : He keeps it cold!

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : And how come when we walked in you were sitting in a circle with three corpses playing Texas Hold 'Em?

  Doug : Just call first from now on!

• Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : If you could just help me with these train wreck codes.

  Dr. Perry Cox : You're finally at that stage where you and your equally undistinguished colleagues have all had enough training to be able to help each other. So no matter how humiliating it may seem, if you know somebody who's better than you -- and I'm bettin' that you do? -- you had best tuck that ridiculously feminine tail of yours between your legs and go ask her for help. I'm thinkin' that's just about it. Yep. I, uh, gosh, I'm all out of speeches. I don't think I have, uh, another one on me. I... I don't.

  [Holds up index fingers] 

  Dr. Perry Cox : The-- Oh. These are... my goodbye guns.

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : [He "fires" his fingers in the air in a blaze of "bullets" and departs] 

  [to self] 

  Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian : Those aren't real guns.