- [after Dr. Cox announced that J.D. and Elliot are both gonna be chief resident]
- J.D.: Uh... What now?
- Dr. Cox: Well, I figure with her being ridiculously booksmart to the point where she has almost no interpersonal skills and you being warm and cuddly as an unpotty-trained labradoodle and about as useful in high-stress medical situations as an unpotty-trained labradoodle, together the two of you would make one barely passable doctor... slash labradoodle...
- Dr. Cox: I don't know what to tell you, there, Bobbo. Either this kid has a light bulb up his butt or his colon has a great idea.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: So, what are you guys gonna do now that your residencies are over?
- Doug Murphy: Oh, I'm still a resident! Yeah, Dr. Kelso said I'm the first medical resident to repeat his third year in the entire history of the hospital!
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: That's a bad thing, Doug,
- Doug Murphy: Oh, I'm staying positive.
- J.D.: No, no. I totally understand. Come on, you did what you had to do. You went with your gut; Elliot's a great doctor. I do have three questions, though: Why do you hate me when I show you nothing but love? Who's gonna tell my mom? And what the hell am I supposed to do with ten thousand "John Dorian, Chief Resident" business cards?
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Son, you were gathering a group of large orderlies to get the lightbulb out of the patient by doing what?
- Doug Murphy: Shaking him like a beach towel.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Goodbye!
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Dr. Cox is naming ass-face, here, at 3. It's too late.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Well maybe it's not too late.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Yeah it is, Carla.
- Dr. Molly Clock: Maybe it's not.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: You know what, you're right, Molly. Maybe it isn't!
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: What the hell?
- Dr. Christopher Turk: They're all against you!
- J.D.: Hey, when Elliot asked you if she could run for chief resident and you said "why not," that was just a goof, right?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Dr. Cox. Ran all those tests on Mr. Landisman.
- Dr. Cox: Top-notch work, there, Barbie! She's good! She's very, very, very good! Now, sorry, where were we?
- J.D.: I am a medical professional, and you are not gonna get me to compete with Elliot.
- Dr. Cox: Well, Jo-Jo, right now she's winning.
- J.D.: Let me know how to get back on top. I'll do anything, even if it means I have to kill somebody!
- Dr. Cox: Well, you could start by getting the lightbulb out of this genius's pooper. Impress me.
- J.D.: Oh, I'll impress you!
- Dr. Molly Clock: Perry! You know, I have a cousin named Perry. But actually, no, he's not my cousin; and, you know, his name isn't Perry, it's... Jeff.
- Dr. Cox: That's so funny. I have an uncle named Stop Bothering Me.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: I've told Elliot a million times that she would be a good chief resident, but she just ignored me.
- Nurse Laverne Roberts: Maybe she's racist.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: It's fine, it's fine. It's not like all my friends are gonna go to Molly for advice.
- Nurse Laverne Roberts: Mmm-hmm.
- Dr. Molly Clock: Nurse Roberts, if you still wanna talk about that situation with your husband, we can go to my office now.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Yes, I'm happy! But I'd be happier if I didn't have to share the job with such a jerk!
- J.D.: Elliot. I can hear you.
- Dr. Molly Clock: You guys, the situation would be perfect for my study.
- J.D.: Oh, no.
- Dr. Molly Clock: Don't worry, Johnny. Everyone's gonna be anonymous, I'm only using initials. You'll be "J.D."
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Why don't we just reach up there and tug that bad boy out?
- Dr. Cox: It's not a rabbit in a hat. If you tug on it, it's going to break; and if it breaks, he's going to need surgery; and if you perform it, then, of course, he's going to need a casket. Sooo, why don't you just play quietly in your area until the crowd arrives.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Don't worry, I just came to check on my patients.
- J.D.: Do whatever you want, just don't come over to my area.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: You couldn't pay me to come over to your area.
- J.D.: Well, I wouldn't pay you.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Well, you don't have enough money.
- J.D.: It just so happens I have a rich uncle who'd do anything for me, but I'd never call in that favor just to pay you to come over to my area!
- J.D.: The best thing about this place is that when someone's really in trouble, all the pettiness melts away
- J.D.: Can you imagine us trying to do that three years ago?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: [laughing] I know. Remember our first code?
- J.D.: Well, I remember hiding in a supply closet.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: That's the one
- J.D.: [narrating] Ultimately, conflict is resolved by remembering why you were friends in the first place.
- J.D.: I miss this. This, like, hanging out, you know?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Me too.
- J.D.: We should go get coffee.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: We're having coffee.
- J.D.: No, no, I mean like, like outside coffee - real world coffee.The point is, we should... hang out outside the hospital sometime.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: J.D., I still need time. I know that's gonna be hard for you because you like to fix everything right way, but... you just do the best you can, okay?
- J.D.: Is it fixed now?
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Nope.
- J.D.: In the end, though, it doesn't really matter how you get there. As long as you're friends again.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: That young man's father is very important.
- Dr. Cox: Don't tell me. He donated a wing.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: He donated a wing, a thigh, and a breast.
- J.D.: Sir?
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Yes, genius, in this metaphor the hospital is a chicken.
- J.D.: Please, sir, I totally get that.
- [Voice over]
- J.D.: How could a hospital be a chicken?
- Nurse Roberts: [to JD] Doug wanted me to give this patient 500,000 milligrams of morphine. I thought I'd check with you before I kill the man.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Come on, look, bottom line: I really needed a win, I did. And I finally got one and you--ya--you stole it, man!
- Dr. Christopher Turk: I needed one, too!
- Janitor: Boo-hoo. Where's my win? Think anybody thanks me for cleaning bathrooms?
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Janitor, the bathrooms are filthy.
- Janitor: Well, no one was thanking me, so I quit cleaning 'em.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: [Carla gives Turk a cookie] Have one, baby. You'll feel better.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Thank you.
- Dr. Molly Clock: Turk, I heard your conflict with Dr. Cox escalated? You know, he's already starting to look like the breakout character of my case study? The one that people love to hate?
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Ugh.
- Dr. Molly Clock: Anyway, in my opinion, it is more effective to address the situation than it is to become self-destructive by over-indulging a sweet tooth.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: [Molly leaves. Turk puts down the cookie] She's right.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: You don't have that cookie, we're getting a divorce.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: But baby, I'm not hungry now.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Eat. It.
- [He feebly takes a bite of the cookie]
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Dr. Cox! Can you come take a look at my patient's rash? It's really weird.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Ohh, I would love to come take a look at your patient's rash! But, also, if time allows, maybe we could go over some preliminary ideas for your wedding dress.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: I have sketches in my locker.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Pssst! Barbie! Listen carefully, because the policy remains unchanged: Unless someone is dying -- and puh-lease note DYING not DEAD -- I'm not interested. And P.S., just a real strong showing for a chief resident candidate. God almighty!
- Dr. Elliot Reid: [at her desk, speaking softly to Molly] Yes, I'm happy. But I'd be happier if I didn't have to share the job with such a jerk!
- J.D.: [Cut to a wider angle. J.D. is two feet away, on the other side of the desk] Elliot, I can hear you.