The Simpsons (TV Series)

Bart the Fink (1996)

Nancy Cartwright: Bart Simpson

Quotes 

• Bart Simpson : [notices a food stall sign reading "100 tacos for $100"]  Boy, I sure could go for a hundred tacos right about now.

  Marge Simpson : [grabs him]  No!

  [Comic Book Guy exits the store, rolling a wheelbarrow filled with tacos] 

  Comic Book Guy : Yes, this should provide adequate sustenance for the Doctor Who marathon.

• Marge Simpson : What are you gonna spend your money on, kids?

  Bart Simpson : There's a special on tacos down at the Tacomat: hundred tacos for a hundred dollars. I'm gonna get that.

  Lisa Simpson : I'm gonna contribute my money to the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.

  Marge Simpson : Tacos? Public broadcasting? I won't have you kids throwing your money away like that. You're both coming downtown with me and you're gonna put that money in the bank.

• Krusty the Clown : [upset about being ruined, to Bart]  I was a big cheese, I was a huge cheese! But now look at me- I gotta ride the bus like a schnook, I gotta live in an apartment like an *idiot*!

  [starts shouting] 

  Krusty the Clown : I gotta wait in line with nobodies

  [voice gets louder] 

  Krusty the Clown : to buy groceries

  [voice gets louder again] 

  Krusty the Clown : from a failure!

  Bart Simpson : Well if it'll make you feel better, you could punch me in the face.

  Krusty the Clown : [prepares to punch Bart, stops]  Nah, forget it. Go home, kid.

  [Bart leaves, Krusty looks down in depression] 

• Bart Simpson : Come on, Lis, Krusty doesn't want our attention anymore. Let's go worship somebody who has the guts to be a celebrity.

  Lisa Simpson : Yeah, Krusty doesn't wanna be a clown. He's happy just being another blue-collar bozo.

  Krusty the Clown : Meh.

  Bart Simpson : Krusty's tired of having phonies around pretending to be his friends. I'm sure he'll find plenty of people who'll like him for who he is.

  Krusty the Clown : Uh... it could happen. Nah, who needs friends? The incessant beep of the global positioning system is all the companionship I need.

  [taps the GPS box, which delivers a healthy electric shock] 

  Krusty the Clown : AAAARGH!

  [hurling the box over the side of the boat] 

  Krusty the Clown : Tell me where you are now, you bastard!

• Bart Simpson : Are you Rory B. Bellows?

  Krusty the Clown : Yes.

  Bart Simpson : How about Krusty the Clown?

  Krusty the Clown : Sorry, I don't do impressions.

  Bart Simpson : Well if you're not Krusty, how come you have the exact same signature as him?

  Krusty the Clown : I'm Rory Bellows, I tell ya! And I got a lot of corroborating evidence over here... by the throttle!

  [Krusty throws the throttle only to find out the boat is tied to to the dock] 

  Krusty the Clown : You know you two could've said something 'stead of me making an ass of myself.

• Bart Simpson : Lisa's autograph, Apu's autograph... oh, what do you know? Jimbo's real name is Corky. And... Krusty!

  [turning the check over and seeing the rubber stamp instead of a signature] 

  Bart Simpson : Hey! "Cayman Islands Offshore Holding Corporation"?

• Bart Simpson : Mom, I just saw Krusty!

  Marge Simpson : Yes, dear, in your mind.

  Bart Simpson : No, on the street.

  Marge Simpson : On the street in your mind.

  Bart Simpson : Why won't you believe me?

  Marge Simpson : Sweetheart, maybe you just want Krusty to be alive so badly, you think you see him everywhere. I went through the same thing when Lyndon Johnson died.

• Bart Simpson : [thinking he saw Krusty at the doctor's office]  Dr. Hibbert, who was that man?

  Dr. Hibbert : [chortling]  Now, Bart, telling you would violate the patient/doctor privilege, just as if I were to tell you that Jasper here has five seconds to live.

  Jasper : What'd he say?

  Mrs. Glick : He said I'm next.

• Bart Simpson : I can't believe Krusty is really gone.

  Homer Simpson : Don't worry, son. I'm sure he's up in heaven right now laughing it up with all the other celebrities. John Dillinger, Ty Cobb, Joseph Stalin...

  [sighing] 

  Homer Simpson : I wish I were dead.

• Bart Simpson : [watching a news report of Krusty's arrest]  Krusty's my hero. How could I do this to him?

  Lisa Simpson : It is a tragedy for all us kids, but, Bart, you can't beat yourself up.

  Bart Simpson : Yeah. There'll be enough people to do that for me at recess tomorrow.

• Lisa Simpson : I got their new Thrifty Saver savings account. 2.3% annual interest instead of the normal 2.25. So a year from now, I'll have an extra nickel.

  Bart Simpson : I got the account where you get free customized checks. I chose the Hindenburg flip-book series.

  [flipping through the checks, he watches an image of the zeppelin catch fire] 

  Bart Simpson : Cool!

• Milhouse Van Houten : $1 million? Thanks, Bart! I owe you one.

  Bart Simpson : Uh, that's a post-dated check, remember. Don't cash it 'til the year 10,000.

  Milhouse Van Houten : Okay.

  [he starts staring at his watch] 

• Krusty the Clown : That's it. No more autographs. I gotta go. They're naming a new sandwich after me at my restaurant.

  Bart Simpson : [disappointed]  Oh!

  Milhouse Van Houten : It's okay, Bart. You can share mine.

  [lifting up his shirt to reveal Krusty's name on his stomach] 

  Milhouse Van Houten : Quick, press against me while the ink's still wet.

  Bart Simpson : No need. I'm going to get Krusty's autograph the easy way.

  [writing a check for him] 

  Bart Simpson : If he wants these 25 cents, he'll have to endorse the check by signing it on the back. Then, when my monthly bank statement comes, I'll get the check back complete with autograph. No fuss, no muss.

  Milhouse Van Houten : That's a good plan, but it won't impress girls like this.

  [as he lifts up his shirt, a group of girls nearby groans in disgust] 

• Homer Simpson : [after spending the night in a haunted house]  Best night's sleep I ever had.

  Lisa Simpson : Their tap water tasted better than ours.

  Executor : Here you go. $100 each. The rest goes to Ann Landers, as was stipulated in your aunt's will.

  Homer Simpson , Marge Simpson , Lisa Simpson , Bart Simpson : Hmm?

  Executor : Oh, I'm sorry. I must have continued talking after you left the office. I do that sometimes.

  [laughing diabolically, he turns to leave] 

  Executor : Oh, my.

• Lisa Simpson : Bart, you're seeing Krusty everywhere because you want to tell him you're sorry for causing his death. Would it help if I told you you're not responsible for Krusty's death?

  Bart Simpson : Yes. Yes, it would.

  Lisa Simpson : Well, I can't. You'll just have to learn to live with your mental problem.

  Bart Simpson : Wait a minute. All those things I saw. There's a connection. The truck full of nets and buckets, the queasy guy, the lobsters... they all point to one thing. Follow me.

• Krusty the Clown : I won't be coming back, kids. I got a sweet life here. The sea air is clearing my lungs. The sun is toasting my pale skin a healthy brown, and most important, I learned that I don't need money to be happy. All that high-living just distracted me from my true calling in life: salvaging sunken barges for scrap iron. Sorry, kids, there's nothing left for me on dry land anymore.

  Bart Simpson : But, Krusty, what about all the kids who depend on you to brighten up their afternoons? Are you gonna turn your back on them?

  Krusty the Clown : Yes!

• Lisa Simpson : Hey, you've got a pacemaker scar just like Krusty.

  Bart Simpson : And Krusty's superfluous third nipple.

  Krusty the Clown : [groaning]  Can't you see I don't wanna be Krusty anymore? That's why I faked my death.

  Lisa Simpson : But we saw your plane crash.

  Krusty the Clown : Yeah, but I wasn't in it.

  [narrating over a flashback] 

  Krusty the Clown : Just before I hit the mountain, I jumped out of the plane into a carefully-placed net.

  [Krusty hits a rock, then lands on the net] 

  Bart Simpson : So, now that we've blown your cover, I guess you've gotta come back and do your show again.

  Lisa Simpson : [with a nervous giggle]  Or kill us.

• Captain McAllister : Ahoy there, minnows.

  Bart Simpson : [blowing up a Krusty balloon]  Ahoy. Have you seen this man?

  Captain McAllister : Arr, that's Handsome Pete. He dances for nickels. Pete, ye got some customers!

  [a little person with a face like Krusty's comes out and starts dancing and playing his accordion] 

  Lisa Simpson : [Bart blows the balloon up some more]  No, we're looking for this man, Krusty the Clown.

  Captain McAllister : Mmm. Narr, narr, narr.

  Lisa Simpson : It's hopeless, Bart. We've searched up and down these docks, from pier one to that Pier 1 by pier 17.

  Bart Simpson : [as they leave, he notices a list of people from whom checks aren't accepted]  Lisa, look. A signature with stars around it, just like Krusty's.

  Lisa Simpson : Rory B. Bellows. Slip 8. Let's go.

  Captain McAllister : [as they leave, Bart flips a coin into Pete's cup]  Not a quarter. Darr, he'll be dancing for hours.

• Krusty the Clown : All right, I admit it. I miss the phonies, but that's all I miss. That and Shirley Jones and Marty Ingels' New Year's Eve party.

  Lisa Simpson : What about that great feeling you get from knowing you're better than regular people?

  Bart Simpson : What about being an illiterate TV clown who's still more respected than all the scientists, doctors, and educators in the country put together?

  Krusty the Clown : [throwing his anchor over]  Yeah! I'm not gonna let those guys hog all the respect while I'm out here in some stinking tub.

  [jumping into the water and swimming back to shore] 

  Krusty the Clown : That's just what those eggheads want. Well, forget it, Poindexter. 'Cause Krusty's back in town!

  Bart Simpson , Lisa Simpson : Yay!

  Bart Simpson : [walking along the beach]  So, Krusty, what are you gonna do about your tax problem?

  Krusty the Clown : Don't sweat it. The life of Rory B. Bellows is insured for a surprisingly large amount.

  [his boat out in the water explodes]