- Lisa Simpson: Dad, what if I told you that you could lose weight without diet or exercise?
- Homer Simpson: I'd call you a lying scumbag, honey. Why?
- Samantha Stanky: How will we know when we fall in love?
- Mrs. Krabappel: Oh, don't worry children. Most of you will *never* fall in love, but will marry out of fear of dying alone!
- Milhouse: How could this have happened? We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but instead it ended in tragedy.
- [Homer listened to an audio cassette that promised "Lose weight while you sleep", but instead he got a vocabulary builder.]
- Marge Simpson: Has that cassette helped reduce your appetite?
- Homer Simpson: Lamentably, no. My gastronomic rapacity knows no satiety.
- Troy McClure: I'm here to provide the facts about sex in a frank and straightforward manner. And now, here's... ''Fuzzy Bunny's Guide To You-Know-What''
- Milhouse: Bart, I don't want you to see me cry.
- Bart: Aw come on, I've seen you cry a million times. You cry when you scrape your knee, you cry when we're out of chocolate milk, you cry when you're doing long division and you have a remainder left over.
- Milhouse: Well, I didn't want you to see me cry THIS time.
- Luann Van Houten: Bart, I'm glad you're here. Milhouse could use a friend like you.
- [Bart chuckles nervously. Later, up in Milhouse's room]
- Bart: Listen, Milhouse, I have something to confess: I'm the one who narked on your kissing.
- Milhouse: *What*?
- [He tackles Bart to the floor and starts to throttle him. Milhouse's parents come in]
- Luann Van Houten: Milhouse is out of bed and full of beans!
- Kirk Van Houten: Whoa, it's a miracle!
- [Smiling, they leave and close the door, as Milhouse continues strangling Bart]
- Lisa Simpson: [showing a picture of a five-fingered hand] It says here in this journal that in about a million years, mankind will develop an extra finger.
- Bart: [holding up his four-fingered hand over the picture] Eww! Freakshow!
- Troy McClure: Hello, I'm actor Troy McClure. You kids may remember me from such education films as: "Lead Paint: Delicious But Deadly" and "Here Comes the Metric System"!
- [after watching a film on sex education]
- Bart: How would I go about creating a half-man, half-monkey-type creature?
- Mrs. Krabappel: I'm sorry, that would be playing God.
- Bart: God-schmod, I want my monkey man.
- Bart: [trying out Milhouse's new 8-Ball] Will I pass my test today. "Outlook not so good." Hey, it does work!
- Milhouse: Let me try! Will I get beat up today? "All signs point to yes."
- Nelson Muntz: That ball knows everything!
- [Hits Milhouse over the head]
- [Marge is told about the various skills taught by the subliminal learning program]
- Marge Simpson: Hmm, hostage negotiations...
- [She has a daydream of Homer, wearing a bulletproof vest and standing next to a surrounded airplane, speaking through a megaphone]
- Homer Simpson: Listen, Tabbouleh, we're ignoring all your demands! What do you say to that?
- [a hand comes out with a submachine gun and shoots Homer dead]
- Marge Simpson: Better give me the weight loss tape.
- [Homer gasping for air due to being so out of shape]
- Commercial Announcer: We take eighteen ounces of sizzling ground beef, and soak it in rich, creamery butter, then we top it off with bacon, ham, and a fried egg. We call it "The Good Morning Burger".
- [Homer starts gurgling in ecstasy]
- Bart: [Bart and Milhouse are at the movies, and Milhouse is kissing Samantha] I got better things to do, than watch you two lip wrestling.
- Samantha Stanky: [Milhouse goes to visit Samantha in parochial school, and wants to kiss her] I better not, Milhouse... It's fifty rosaries a kiss.
- [while Milhouse is strangling Bart, Bart gropes around for a weapon, and breaks the magic eight-ball over Milhouse's head]
- Bart: Boy, I bet the eight ball didn't see that one coming.
- Principal Skinner: Samantha, I've always been suspicious of transfer students. Other principals try to unload problem cases that way. Ha, lord knows I do.
- Edna Krabappel: Ezekiel and Ishmael, in accordance with your parents' wishes, you may step out into the hall and pray for our souls.
- Mrs. Krabappel: Ezekiel and Ishmael, in accordance with your parents' wishes, you may step out into the hall and pray for our souls.
- Samantha Stanky: Milhouse, I've gotta go! My dad thinks I'm having my braces examined.
- Milhouse: Well, you kinda sorta are.
- Bart: Milhouse, we're living in the age of cooties. I can't believe the risk you're running. Besides, what's so great about kissing?
- Milhouse: Bart, it's not just the kissing. A lot of it is waiting to kiss. You know, like when you open an Eskimo Pie and you wait just a little bit for it to melt.
- Bart: But she doesn't melt!
- Milhouse: Oh, yes she does!
- Commercial Announcer: We start with pure milk chocolate.
- Homer Simpson: Chocolate!
- Commercial Announcer: Add a layer of farm-fresh honey.
- Homer Simpson: Oh, sweet!
- Commercial Announcer: Then we sprinkle on four kinds of sugar... and dip it in rich, creamery butter!