The Simpsons (TV Series)

Black Widower (1992)

Kelsey Grammer: Sideshow Bob

Quotes 

• [Hearing about Bob's fantasies of murdering him] 

  Bart : Aye caramba!

  Sideshow Bob : Bart, if I'd wanted to kill you, I'd have choked you like a chicken as soon as I walked in that door...

  [Everyone gasps] 

  Sideshow Bob : ...but then, what kind of guest would I have been?

  [laughs] 

• Sideshow Bob : Poor Selma, you were having such a lovely evening.

  Sideshow Bob : [singing]  And then I went and spoiled it all by doing something stupid like explode you...

  Bart : [turns around in the chair]  Sideshow Bob, I'm afraid the only victims here are the good people of Best Western Hotels.

  Sideshow Bob : Bart!

  Patty : [slaps Sideshow Bob]  You tried to kill me! I want a separation!

• Sideshow Bob : Soon I will kill you...

  [under his breath while rubbing one of her feet] 

  Selma : Huh?

  [sitting up] 

  Sideshow Bob : Son pied sent beau; French for: her foot smells lovely.

  Selma : Oh.

  [laying back down] 

  Sideshow Bob : Prepare to be murdered...

  [under his breath again] 

  Selma : Huh?

  [sitting up again] 

  Sideshow Bob : Pa parda mai moul-doo. That's... Sanskrit for your toes are like perfume.

  [Phonetic spelling] 

  Selma : Hahaha.

  [lays back down] 

  Sideshow Bob : Voy a matarle...

  [under his breath] 

  Selma : What?

  Sideshow Bob : That's spanish for... I'm going to kill you...

  [saying the last part under his breath] 

  Selma : Say what?

• [Sideshow Bob wins an Emmy in prison] 

  Sideshow Bob : This is one more Emmy than you'll ever win, you bantering jack-in-the-box!

  Krusty the Clown : Just don't drop that thing in the shower, Bob!

  Sideshow Bob : No-talent shill!

  Krusty the Clown : Second banana!

  Sideshow Bob : Panderer!

  Krusty the Clown : Bore!

• Sideshow Bob : But wait. If you saved Selma, why did the room explode?

  Chief Wiggum : Oh, I'll field that one.

  [flashback: Wiggum, Lou, Eddie, and Homer are all lighting up cigars outside the hotel room] 

  Chief Wiggum : [voice-over]  Me and the boys were all celebrating a job well done, when I threw my match in the vicinity of the crime scene...

  [explosion] 

  Chief Wiggum : Oh, right! The gas.

• Sideshow Bob : Ah, fire. Scourge of Prometheus, toaster of marshmallows, eradicator of deadwood.

• Krusty the Clown : Come here, you!

  Sideshow Bob : [laughs] 

  Krusty the Clown : Missed you!

  Sideshow Bob : This guy is a natural treasure!

  Krusty the Clown : That jerk I got to replace you... He isn't fit to hold your slide whistle.

• Homer Simpson : Gee, if some snot-nosed kid sent me to prison, the first thing out I'd find out where he lives, and tear him a new belly button!

  [he mimes stabbing an imaginary kid with his steak knife] 

  Homer Simpson : Lousy snitch...

  [jerks the knife upward] 

  Homer Simpson : YAAH!

  [Bart chuckles nervously] 

  Sideshow Bob : [chuckling]  Ah, Mr. Simpson, you're forgetting the first two noble truths of the Buddha.

  Homer Simpson : I am not!

• Sideshow Bob : I'll be back. You can't keep the Democrats out of the White House forever. And when they get in, I'm back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies!

  [laughs maniacally] 

• Sideshow Bob : My best-laid plans have gang agley.

• Sideshow Bob : That's right, dear, enjoy your rest. The wedding was very tough on you. And the honeymoon is going to be... murder...

  [laughing evily] 

• Selma : Bob, one of my fillings fell out.

  Sideshow Bob : Even murder has its ugly side...

  [after trying to scrub himself clean in the bathroom] 

• Sideshow Bob : Bart, I must know how did you untangle my web?

  Homer Simpson : Yeah, Bart, clue us in.

  Bart : [looking at Chief Wiggum]  I'd hate to tell the number-one cop in town how to do his job.

  Chief Wiggum : No, please, it's the only way I'll learn.

  Bart : All right. Sideshow Bob seemed desperate to get that fireplace, but why? Then it hit me - The gas! Surely anyone would have noticed a gas leak except Aunt Selma.

  Selma : [flashback]  I permanently lost my sense of smell.

  Bart : She happily watched MacGyver unaware that her room was silently filling with natural gas. All it needed to explode was a single spark, say, from a cigarette.

  Selma : [flashback]  I've decided to give up smoking except after meals and MacGyver.

  Bart : Her only hope was a plucky young boy and his slow-witted father. When Aunt Selma lights up after MacGyver she'll be blown to kingdom come.

  Homer Simpson : [flashback]  Come again?

  Bart : After trying four times to explain it to Homer I explained it to Mom and we were on our way!

  Homer Simpson : [flashback]  To the Simpson Mobile!

  Sideshow Bob : If you saved Selma, why did the room explode?

  Chief Wiggum : Oh, I'll field that one.

  Chief Wiggum : [flashback: The police and Homer smoking cigars]  Me and my boys were celebrating on a job well done when I threw my match in the vicinity of the crime scene.

  Chief Wiggum : [flashback: The room explodes]  Oh, right, the gas.

  Sideshow Bob : [being led away in handcuffs, laughing at the end]  I'll be back. You can't keep the Democrats out of the White House forever. And when they get in, I'm back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies.

  Selma : I feel like such a fool.

  Marge : Well, he fooled almost everyone. But there was one little boy who never lost his mistrust.

  Bart : Thanks, Mom. Now, let's get out of this gas-filled hallway before we all suffocate.

• Sideshow Bob : Although kissing you would be like kissing some divine ash tray, that's not what I had in mind.

• Sideshow Bob : Dear Selma: Your latest letter set off a riot in the maximum security wing of my heart.