The Simpsons (TV Series)

Diatribe of a Mad Housewife (2004)

Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Squeaky-Voiced Teen, Groundskeeper Willie

Quotes 

• Homer Simpson : I'll have to read Marge's book. And I swore never to read again after 'To Kill a Mockingbird' gave me no useful advice on killing mockingbirds. It did teach me not to judge a man based on the color of his skin, but what good does that do me?

• Homer Simpson : No, gotta read Marges' book. Can't get distracted. Distracted, that's a funny word. Does anyone ever get 'tracted'? I'm gonna call the suicide hotline and ask them.

• [after lying to Marge about reading her book] 

  Homer Simpson : [thinking]  Now for that happy period between the lie and the time it's found out.

• Bart Simpson : Dad, you've been driving in circles for 20 minutes.

  Lisa Simpson : Why don't you just admit you don't know where the hospital is?

  Homer Simpson : Why don't you admit I know it's around here somewhere?

• Homer Simpson : You were gonna start a novel without informing me?

  Marge Simpson : Homer, you left two jobs and bought an ambulance without even a phone call!

  Homer Simpson : I also fed some ducklings.

  Marge Simpson : I know, I got your message.

• Homer : [singing, while hosing out the back of his ambulance]  Here in my car/ I am hosing out blood / Some of it's mine / But most of it's not / Here's Marge.

• Homer : I've got it! Lee Harvey Oswald killed Kennedy to get the jack ruby.

  Marge : Homer, Jack Ruby was a man, not a jewel.

  Homer : Oh, back to square one.

• [researching who shot JFK] 

  Homer Simpson : Marge, I figured it out! Lee Harvey Oswald wanted to steal the Jack Ruby.

  Marge Simpson : Jack Ruby was a man, not a jewel.

  Homer Simpson : Oh, I was so close.

• Homer Simpson : Apu, do you sell crazy straws? I've got a guy with a broken back and I'm trying to cheer him up.

• Homer Simpson : [singing to the tune of Gary Numan's 'Cars']  Here in my car/ I am cleaning out blood/ Some of it's mine/ But most of it's not/ Here's Marge.

• Homer Simpson : Books are useless! I only ever read one book, "To Kill A Mockingbird" and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the colour of his skin... but what good does *that* do me?