- Homer Simpson: I'll have to read Marge's book. And I swore never to read again after 'To Kill a Mockingbird' gave me no useful advice on killing mockingbirds. It did teach me not to judge a man based on the color of his skin, but what good does that do me?
- Homer Simpson: No, gotta read Marges' book. Can't get distracted. Distracted, that's a funny word. Does anyone ever get 'tracted'? I'm gonna call the suicide hotline and ask them.
- [after lying to Marge about reading her book]
- Homer Simpson: [thinking] Now for that happy period between the lie and the time it's found out.
- Bart Simpson: Dad, you've been driving in circles for 20 minutes.
- Lisa Simpson: Why don't you just admit you don't know where the hospital is?
- Homer Simpson: Why don't you admit I know it's around here somewhere?
- Homer Simpson: You were gonna start a novel without informing me?
- Marge Simpson: Homer, you left two jobs and bought an ambulance without even a phone call!
- Homer Simpson: I also fed some ducklings.
- Marge Simpson: I know, I got your message.
- Homer: [singing, while hosing out the back of his ambulance] Here in my car/ I am hosing out blood / Some of it's mine / But most of it's not / Here's Marge.
- [researching who shot JFK]
- Homer Simpson: Marge, I figured it out! Lee Harvey Oswald wanted to steal the Jack Ruby.
- Marge Simpson: Jack Ruby was a man, not a jewel.
- Homer Simpson: Oh, I was so close.
- Homer Simpson: Apu, do you sell crazy straws? I've got a guy with a broken back and I'm trying to cheer him up.
- Marge Simpson: When you write, you can let your imagination run wild.
- [writing and reading aloud what she writes]
- Marge Simpson: Temperance was doing the laundry.
- Marge Simpson: Dr. Marvin Monroe! I haven't seen you in years!
- Dr. Marvin Monroe: Oh! I've been very sick
- Homer Simpson: [singing to the tune of Gary Numan's 'Cars'] Here in my car/ I am cleaning out blood/ Some of it's mine/ But most of it's not/ Here's Marge.
- Homer Simpson: Books are useless! I only ever read one book, "To Kill A Mockingbird" and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the colour of his skin... but what good does *that* do me?