The Simpsons (TV Series)

Homer and Apu (1994)

Harry Shearer: Kwik-E-Mart Customer #2, Dr. Hibbert, TV Announcer, Kent Brockman, Kwik-E-Mart Official #1, Monstromart Announcer, Hare Krishna, President and C&E of Kwik-E-Mart, Thief

Quotes 

• The Preisdent of the Kwik-E-Mart : Approach, my sons. You may ask me three questions.

  Apu : That's great, because all I need is one.

  Homer : Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?

  The Preisdent of the Kwik-E-Mart : Yes.

  Homer : Really?

  The Preisdent of the Kwik-E-Mart : Yes.

  Homer : You?

  The Preisdent of the Kwik-E-Mart : Yes. I hope this has been enlightening for you. Thank you, come again.

  Apu : But sir, I!

  The Preisdent of the Kwik-E-Mart : Thank you, come again.

  [Homer and Apu are leaving the Kwik-E-Mart] 

  Homer : Well, that was a big bust. Is he really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?

• Apu : Ah, fired. After all these years of loyal service. I don't want to live anymore!

  [grabs one of the spoiled hot dogs] 

  The Preisdent of the Kwik-E-Mart : [fighting him for the wiener]  Give me that wiener!

  Apu : No! I don't want to live, sir!

  The Preisdent of the Kwik-E-Mart : You give me that wiener!

  [Apu tries to put it in his mouth] 

  The Preisdent of the Kwik-E-Mart : No, Apu, it's not worth it!

• Thief : [an armed robber enters the Kwik-E-Mart]  Alright you! Hand over the cash and don't try any funny stuff!

  James Woods : Hey pal. I assure you if I tried any funny stuff you would be in hysterics.

  Thief : Hey, you're James Woods.

  James Woods : [flattered]  Oh, thank you. Yes. Thank you.

  Thief : Well, Mr Woods. Your new song is gonna be "No. 3 With a Bullet".

  [cocks the gun] 

  James Woods : Er... I'm not a singer.

  Thief : Shut up!

  [the thief takes aim] 

  Apu : Nooooooooo!

  [the thief fires but Apu takes the bullet by acting as a human shield so the thief hightails it] 

  James Woods : Apu!

  Apu : Oh! The searing kiss of hot lead. How I missed you. I mean... I think I'm dying.

  [Apu loses consciousness] 

  James Woods : Oy.

• Dr. Julius Hibbert : Well, see, Homer's illness was either caused by ingesting spoiled food or

  [laughs] 

  Dr. Julius Hibbert : some sort of voodoo curse.

  Patty Bouvier : Hey.

  [Selma holds up a Homer voodoo doll with multiple voodoo pins in its eyes] 

  Patty Bouvier : We've just been working the eyes.

• Dr. Julius Hibbert : You are a very lucky man, Apu. You see, the bullet ricocheted off another bullet that was lodged in your chest from a previous robbery.