The Simpsons (TV Series)
Homer at the Bat (1992)
Harry Shearer: Lenny, Umpire, Eddie, Waylon Smithers, Montgomery Burns, Hypnotist, Dr. Hibbert, Announcer
Quotes
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[Mr. Burns hired a hypnotist to make the plant softball team win]
Hypnotist : You are all very good players.
Players : [chanting in unison] We are all very good players.
Hypnotist : You will beat Shelbyville.
Players : [chanting in unison] We will beat Shelbyville.
Hypnotist : You will give one hundred and ten percent.
Players : [chanting in unison] That's impossible. No one can give more than one hundred percent. By definition that is the most anyone can give.
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[to his softball team]
Mr. Burns : All right, you ragtag bunch of misfits! You hate me, and I hate you even more. But without my beloved ringers, you're all I've got. So I want you to remember some inspiring words that someone else might have told you over the course of your lives, and go out there and win!
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[Mr. Burns made a bet that the plant softball team would beat Shelbyville]
Mr. Burns : I've decided to bring in a few ringers, professional baseballers. We'll give them token jobs at the plant and have them play on our softball team. Honus Wagner, Cap Anson, Mordecai "Three-Finger" Brown...
Smithers : Uh, sir?
Mr. Burns : What is it, Smithers?
Smithers : I'm afraid all of those players have retired and, uh... passed on. In fact, your right-fielder has been dead for a hundred and thirty years.
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Dr. Hibbert : [Examining Mike Scioscia who is heavily radiated] Mike, try to lift your arm.
Mike Scioscia : [struggling to lift his left arm] Can't, lift, arm, or, speak, at, normal, rate.
Dr. Hibbert : It seems that you have an acute dose of radiation poisoning.
Mike Scioscia : Will, I, be, able, to, play, softball, tomorrow?
Dr. Hibbert : [laughs] No. By tomorrow you'll barely be able to breathe.
Mike Scioscia : [struggling to move his head] Oh, man.
Nurse : [bursting into room] Dr. Hibbert, Ken Griffey, Jr. needs to see you immediately!
[Hibbert peers through curtains and is horrified to see a gigantism-suffering Griffey in a wheelchair]
Dr. Hibbert : [shocked] Good Lord! Gigantism!
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Jose Canseco : So I'll get $50,000 to play one game?
Waylon Smithers : That's right, Mr. Canseco.
Jose Canseco : Well, it's a pay cut, but what the hey.
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[Mr. Burns is pinch hitting Homer for Strawberry]
Mr. Burns : Alright, Simpson. Let's go over the signals. If I tug the bill of my cap like so...
Homer Simpson : Yeah?
Mr. Burns : ...it means the signal is a fake.
Homer Simpson : Uh-huh.
Mr. Burns : However, I can take that off by dusting my hands thusly.
Homer Simpson : Got it.
Mr. Burns : If I want you to bunt, I'll touch my belt buckle not once, not twice, but thrice. If I tug this ear...
[keeps going as Homer tunes out]
Homer Simpson : [thinking] Uh-oh. I don't understand a word he's sayin'. Why doesn't he just let me bat? I wish I was home with a big bag of potato chips. Mmm... potato chips...
Mr. Burns : Got that, Simpson?
Mr. Burns : Yes, sir!
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Mr. Burns : [Seeing Don Mattingly shaved the middle of his head off] Mattingly, I thought I told you to trim those sideburns? Go home, you're off the team, for good!
Don Mattingly : Fine.
[Under his breath]
Don Mattingly : I still like him better than Steinbrenner.
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Mr. Burns : Mattingly i thought i told you to trim those sideburns that's it go home you are off the team for good.