- Lisa: Miss Tan, I loved "The Joy Luck Club". You really showed me how the mother-daughter bond could survive adversity.
- Amy Tan: No, that's not what I meant at all. You couldn't have gotten it more wrong. Just sit down, I'm embarrassed for both of us.
- Lisa: But...
- Amy Tan: Please. Just sit down. I'm embarrassed for both of us.
- Bart Simpson: [sees an exhibit of the famous Dummies books] Ah, finally, some books for today's busy idiots. "Network Programming for Dummies". "Christianity for Dummies". "Moby Dick"? "Call me Ishmael, dummy." How did you write all these books?
- Dummies author: Duh, I don't know. Me got to go to the bank now.
- Marge: So, Mr. King, what tale of horror and the macabre are you working on now?
- Stephen King: Oh, I don't feel like writing horror right now.
- Marge: Oh, that's too bad.
- Stephen King: I'm working on a biography of Benjamin Franklin. He's a fascinating man. He discovered electricity, and used it to torture children and green mountain men. And that key he tied to the end of a kite? It opened the gates of HELL!
- Marge: Well, let me know when you get back to horror.
- Stephen King: Will do.
- [writes down a note: CALL MARGE RE: HORROR]
- Sophie's Mom: My God, I'm late for my mission!
- Krusty: Here's your mission: get down with the clown.
- [amorously]
- Krusty: Oh, come on, baby.
- Sophie's Mom: No, not now! I'm supposed to assassinate Saddam.
- Krusty: Wait a minute, you can't kill Saddam. He's half my act!
- Homer: Dear Lord, bless this humble meal. And did you hear about Krusty?
- [laughing]
- Homer: Whoo, man. I mean, I knew he was a player, but, jeez, a kid?
- Marge: Homer, that's not a prayer. That's gossip.
- Homer: Fine, I'll just discuss heavenly matters. So, how's Maude Flanders doing up there? Is she playing the field? Ooh, yeah, really? All those guys?
- [seeing the family staring in mortification]
- Homer: Amen.
- Krusty: [excited about a poker hand] Oh, what a lousy hand. I'll stand.
- Fat Tony: I raise. Two G's.
- Moe: I'm out.
- Snake: Fold-o-rama.
- Homer: Can we make this hand high-low?
- Fat Tony: No.
- Homer: I'm out.
- Fat Tony: Krusty, are you in or are you out?
- Krusty: [checking his wallet] Oh, man, I'm totally tapped. Would you consider taking my Rolex?
- Fat Tony: [revealing a watch on his wrist] You mean this one?
- Krusty: Oh, yeah, right. Just let me go to my car.
- Fat Tony: [as Krusty leaves, Homer starts singing "Whimoweh"] Don't do that.
- Sophie: I was hoping maybe we could do some stuff together like go to the beach and junk.
- Krusty: Look, you're a sweet kid, but I'm not exactly father material. I curse, I gamble, I pick fights with homeless people. I...
- [tears well up in her eyes]
- Krusty: What's wrong with your eyes? You need a Claritin or something?
- [her lip trembles]
- Krusty: Oh, all right. You get one trip to the beach, with my assistant.
- [her face falls]
- Krusty: Okay, I'll take you.
- Krusty: [performing at the USO during the Gulf War] Saddam Hussein? They should call him "So Damn Insane". Ha ha...
- Soldier#1: Hey, you're just fanning the flames of hatred.
- Krusty: [trying to laugh it off] Yeah, yeah, yeah... Now, just when you thought the desert couldn't get any hotter, it's the Cincinnati Bengal cheerleaders!
- Soldier #2: Hey, I can't look at that. I have a girlfriend back home.
- Soldier #3: This is an insult to our Muslim hosts.
- Krusty: [at a book signing] Name?
- Bart Simpson: Hey, it's me, Bart.
- [Krusty stares confused]
- Bart Simpson: Your biggest fan.
- Krusty: Hey, good for you, 'cause I wanna... know that all my fans are all...
- [he mumbles under his breath]
- Bart Simpson: [looking at the autograph] "K the C"?
- Krusty: Hey, this pen's gotta last me all day. Now, if you could...
- [ushering him out of the way]
- Krusty: Up, bup, bup, bup, bup. Yeah.
- Homer: [finishing a list of household chores] And now, the grand finale. "Get Lisa's jammed tape out of VCR."
- [the VCR is jammed with fireworks]
- Homer: Ah, wait... wait a minute.
- [a inserts a final, small one in]
- Homer: There.
- [Bart lights the fuse]
- Homer: [taking cover] Fire in the hole!
- [explosion]
- Homer: Hmm. It's gonna take a lot of fireworks to clean this place up.
- Lisa: [seeing the mess and gasping] What's going on here?
- Homer: Uh, honey... there's a point in every father's life when he blows up his daughter's room.
- Lisa: Oh, yeah? You didn't blow up Maggie's room.
- [muffled explosion from another room]
- Krusty: [at the beach with Sophie, putting on a sleep mask] Okay, kid, there's the water. Knock yourself out.
- Sophie: Come on, Dad. Let's go bodysurfing or boogie boarding.
- Krusty: Listen, kid, I'm not the kind of dad who, you know, does things or says stuff or looks at you. But the love is there.
- [kissing his hand]
- Krusty: Where are you? Give Daddy a clue.
- [she puts his hand on her cheek]
- Krusty: Oh, that's my girl.
- Sophie: Okay, you just sit there and I'll throw the Frisbee to you.
- Krusty: Oof, I gotta sit up now? What am I, Baryshnikov?
- Dr. Nick Riviera: With my diet, you can eat all you want any time you want.
- Marge: And you lose weight?
- Dr. Nick Riviera: Uh, you might. It's a free country.
- Krusty: [stopping Sophie's mom from assassinating Saddam Hussein] I just saved my baseball bit. Who's Sayin's on first, Iya Tol'ya's on second, and...
- Sophie's Mom: [jumping on him and choking him] You stupid clown!
- Krusty: [the flashback ends] When I came to, she was gone and the war had been over for eight months. Anyway, how'd you finally find me?
- Sophie: All Mom ever said was my father was some pathetic clown. So typed "pathetic clown" into a search engine and your name popped right up.
- Krusty: Kid, I gotta admit, you're starting to grow on me.
- Sophie: Same here, Dad. It's nice that you don't always have to be on.
- Krusty: I thought I was on! When was I off? That bit about the tide pool? I tell you, it killed at Jacques Cousteau's funeral.
- Sophie: [taking out a violin] Dad, relax. Just enjoy the sunset.
- Krusty: [she starts to play] Hey, I know that song. My dad used to play it when I was a boy.
- [sniffling]
- Krusty: It's beautiful.
- Sophie: Do you play?
- Krusty: No, I guess musical talent skips a generation, like diabetes. Might want to watch out for that, too.
- Marge: Look, Maggie, Christopher Walken's reading "Good Night, Moon."
- Christopher Walken: [reading to a group of children] Good night, room. Good night, moon. Good night, cow jumping over the moon.
- [freaked out, the children scooch away from him]
- Christopher Walken: Please, children, scooch closer. Don't make me tell you again about the scooching. You in the red, chop-chop.
- Homer: [stuffing a watermelon with fireworks] This watermelon won't know what hit it.
- Bart Simpson: I love our Tuesdays together, Dad.
- [he lights the fuse, and they take cover to watch it explode]
- Marge: [sticking her head out the kitchen window with melon bits in her hair] Don't you two have a list of chores to do?
- Bart Simpson: Hey, we just took care of that dangerous melon that was threatening our garden.
- Homer: Yeah, we're heroes. But where's our parade?
- Homer: [trying to open a stuck drawer] Oh, it's hopeless.
- Bart Simpson: [holding up a firecracker] Or is it?
- Homer: Yeah, it's hopeless.
- Bart Simpson: [more emphatically] I said, "or is it?"
- Homer: I said, it's...
- [seeing what he means]
- Homer: Oh.
- Marge: [just as he's about to light it] Homer, what are you doing?
- Homer: Listen, do you want the job done right or do you want it done fast?
- Marge: Well, like all Americans, fast, but...
- Bart Simpson: [lighting the fuse] Clear!
- [the explosion blows the drawer out]
- Marge: [putting it back in and testing opening and closing it] Hmm. Well, you can't argue with results.
- Krusty: Book writing. What a scam, huh? It's only 20 pages long. And this guy wrote it for me. What's your name again?
- John Updike: John Updike.
- Krusty: Whoa, whoa! I didn't ask for your life story.
- Homer: Well, I won't lie. Fatherhood isn't easy like motherhood, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Except for some mag wheels. Oh, man, that would be sweet.
- Sophie: [upon seeing how unfatherly Krusty is] You know, for a clown, you're not really a lot of fun.