- Krusty the Clown: Hand over all your money in a paper bag!
- Apu: Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery. I do work in a convenience store, you know.
- Krusty the Clown: Hey, kids. Who do you love?
- Kids: Krusty.
- Krusty the Clown: How much do you love me?
- Kids: With all our hearts.
- Krusty the Clown: What would you do if I went off the air?
- Kids: We'd kill ourselves.
- Homer Simpson: [apologizing to Krusty] Krusty, I'm man enough to admit I was wrong, and I'm sorry I fingered you in court. I sincerely hope that the horrible stories I heard about what goes on in prison are exaggerated.
- Bart: Attention, fellow children! Krusty didn't rob that store! Sideshow Bob framed him! And I got proof!
- [He grabs a comedy mallet and brings it down hard on the end of Bob's clown shoe]
- Sideshow Bob: OW, MY FOOT, YOU LOUSY, STUPID, CLUMSY...!
- [He hops around, clutching his foot. The children recognize the voice and words of the armed robber from the surveillance video, and gasp]
- Bart: See that? Krusty wore big, floppy shoes, but he's got little feet like all good-hearted people.
- [He slams the mallet down on Bob's other foot, and Bob yells and falls down. Bart pulls off his shoe]
- Bart: But Sideshow Bob really filled his shoes with big, ugly feet!
- Judge Snyder: Krusty the Clown, how do you plead?
- Krusty the Clown: I plead guilty, Your Honor.
- [Sensation. Krusty's lawyer hurriedly whispers in his ear]
- Krusty the Clown: I mean, not guilty. Opening night jitters, Your Honor.
- Sideshow Bob: Yes, I admit it. I hated him. His hackneyed shenanigans robbed me of my dignity for years. I played the buffoon, while he squandered a fortune on his vulgar appetites. That's why I framed Krusty. I would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for these meddling kids.
- Bart: Take him away, Boys!
- Sideshow Bob: [carted away to jail] Treat kids like equals! They're people too! They're smarter than you think! They were smart enough to catch me!
- [as soon as he sees the robber's gun, Homer screams and dives into the chip display. The robber leaves]
- Apu: You can emerge now from my chips. The opportunity to prove yourself a hero has long gone.
- Judge Snyder: Can it be that the champion of child literacy can't even read himself?
- Krusty the Clown: [distraught] Is it a crime to be illiterate?
- Attorney: All right, all right. See this, Krusty?
- [holds up an evidence label with a "B" on it]
- Attorney: This is a "B." And this is exhibit B.
- [holds up betting slips]
- Attorney: Betting slips - obtained by this court indicating that you have lost substantial sums of money on sports gambling.
- Krusty the Clown: [nearly crying] Is it a crime to bet on sporting events?
- Attorney: Yes, it is!
- Krusty the Clown: [sheepishly] Oh.
- [on the surveiilance tape durning the breaking news]
- Homer Simpson: The reason I look unhappy is that tonight I have watch a slideshow starring my wife's sisters. As far as I call them, the Gruesome Twosome.
- [laughs]
- Marge Simpson: [Embarrassed] Oh Homer.
- Patty Bouvier: [infuriated along with Selma] So the truth comes out.
- [Homer and Apu laugh at the name he calls his sisters-in-law. He tuns around to leave unaware that Krusty was behind him the whole time and steps on his foot incased clown shoe]
- Krusty the Clown: OW, MY FOOT, YOU LOUSY, STUPID, CLUMSY...!
- Homer Simpson: Sorry Pal.
- [Then he notices that Krusty is armed, screams in terror as he dives behind the chip stand to witness him robbing Apu at gun point]
- Kent Brockman: From his humble beginnings as a street mime in Tupelo, Mississippi, Krusty climbed to the top of a personal mini-empire, with dozens of endorsements, including his own line of pork products. This may have led to one of television's best-loved bloopers: Krusty's near-fatal on-the-air heart attack in 1986.
- [clip plays]
- Krusty the Clown: Wasn't that a great Itchy and Scratchy cartoon, kids? Well, we've got another one coming right up. But first! I've got a hankerin' for some pork products! Mmmm... Look! Plump, succulent sausage. Honey-smoked bacon. And glistening, sizzling...
- [Krusty gasps and moans, and slowly collapses, clutching his chest. All the children in the audience laugh]
- Krusty the Clown: Gah! I'm dying... I'm dying...
- Kent Brockman: [chuckles]
- [the security video from the Kwik-E-Mart is played at Krusty's trial. When Homer screams and dives into the chip display, everyone in the courtroom laughs and Marge face-palms]
- Attorney: Mr. Simpson, was that you taking that cowardly dive into that display of snack treats?
- Bart: But, dad, you're giving in to mob mentality.
- Homer Simpson: No I'm not, I'm hopping on the bandwagon.
- Apu: Why the long face, sir? Never have I seen you look so gloomy while purchasing such a large quantity of ice cream.
- Chief Wiggum: Krusty the Clown, you're under arrest for armed robbery. You have the right to remain silent, anything you say blah blah blah, blahblah blah, blah blah, blah blah blah.