- Lionel Hutz: And so ladies and gentlemen of the jury. I rest my case.
- Judge Snyder: Hmm. Mr Hutz. Do you know you're not wearing any pants?
- Lionel Hutz: I... Ahh!
- [David Crosby shakes his head in shame]
- Lionel Hutz: I move for a 'bad court thingy'.
- Judge Snyder: You mean a mistrial?
- Lionel Hutz: Yeah! That's why you're the 'judge' and I'm the 'law talking guy?'
- Judge Snyder: The lawyer?
- Lionel Hutz: Right.
- Lionel Hutz: Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson, I... uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder.
- Marge: Is that bad?
- Lionel Hutz: Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog.
- Marge: You did?
- Lionel Hutz: Well, replace the word "kinda" with the word "repeatedly," and the word "dog" with "son."
- Mr. Burns: [opens his germ-free chamber and sees Homer in it, eating a sandwich] Who the devil are you?
- Homer's Brain: Don't panic. Just come up with a good story.
- Homer: My name is Mr. Burns.
- Homer's Brain: D'oh!
- Lionel Hutz: Now, Apu, Mrs. Simpson claims that she forgot she was carrying that bottle of... delicious... bourbon. Brownest of the brown liquors... so tempting.
- [holds the bottle to his ear]
- Lionel Hutz: [whispering] What's that? You want me to drink you? But I'm in the middle of a trial!
- [puts it down]
- Lionel Hutz: Excuse me.
- [he runs out of the courtroom, finds a payphone and quickly dials]
- Lionel Hutz: Hello, David? I'm really tempted!
- David Crosby: Just take it one day at a time, and know that I love you.
- Lionel Hutz: I love you too, man.
- Lou: [observing some police attack dogs] Gee, they look pretty mad.
- Chief Wiggum: Yeah, I've been starving them, teasing them, singing off key...
- Chief Wiggum: All right, come out with your hands up, two cups of coffee, an auto freshener that says "Capricorn", and something with coconut on it.
- Marge: So how are things at home?
- Bart Simpson: We flushed the gator down the toilet, but it got stuck halfway and now we have to feed it.
- [cuts to Grandpa fighting the gator with a toilet plunger]
- Grampa: I'll bet you want a piece of me. Well you ain't gonna get it, see!
- [as he laughs, his false teeth fall out into the aligator's mouth who bites down and breaks the teeth]
- Grampa: [mumbling] Nurse! God darn it.
- Troy McClure: But now I'm here to tell you about a remarkable new invention.
- [Troy grabs an orange and squeezes it against his eye until it bursts. All the juice pours into a glass beneath his face]
- Troy McClure: Until now, this was the only way to get juice from an orange.
- [cuts to Homer, using the exact same method to get orange juice]
- Homer: You mean there's a better way?
- Crowd: We need a cure! We need a cure!
- Dr. Hibbert: Why, the only cure is bed rest. Anything I give you would only be a placebo.
- Woman in Crowd: Where do we get these placebos?
- Man: Maybe there's some in this truck!
- [the panicky crowd push over a truck, boxes labeled "danger killer bees" break open, the bees go everywhere and everyone panics, one man puts a bee in his mouth]
- Man: I'm cured! I mean, ouch!
- Lisa Simpson: [from another room] Mom, can you bring me more O.J.?
- Bart Simpson: [from another room] Can you get me some of those Flintstones chewable morphines?
- Marge: There's no such thing.
- Homer: [from another room] Marge, the boy's wasting valuable time. Come change the channel and pat my head.
- Marge: In a minute!
- Homer: But I'll miss Sheriff Lobo!
- Grampa: And get me a bottle of bourbon.
- Marge: Grampa, you know you can't have liquids after 3pm.
- Grampa: You can stir it into my mush. Either way, just gimme, gimme, gimme!
- Lionel Hutz: Hiring me as your attorney, you'll also recieve this free smoking monkey.
- [places a toy monkey with a cigarette in it's mouth on the desk]
- Marge: Mr Hutz.
- Lionel Hutz: Look... he's taking another puff!
- Judge Snyder: [he has been given a fake verdict by Hutz who listens nearby] This verdict is written on a cocktail napkin! And it still says "guilty!" And "guilty" is spelled wrong!
- [Hutz squeaks in shock]
- Bart Simpson: Mr. Hutz, when I grow up, I wanna be a lawyer just like you.
- Lionel Hutz: Good for you, son. If there's one thing America needs, it's more lawyers. Can you imagine a world without lawyers?
- [visualizes the world in his head with multicultural people, holding hands and dancing happily; Hutz shudders]
- [while Marge is in prison]
- Milhouse Van Houten: [opens his lunchbox] All right, baloney and cheese! What'd you get, Bart?
- Bart Simpson: Pack of sugar and peanut butter smeared on a playing card.
- Nelson Muntz: Ha-ha! Your mom's a jailbird!
- Bart Simpson: So's yours.
- Nelson Muntz: Oh, yeah... let's play!
- Chief Wiggum: Release the dogs!
- Lou: Gee, they look pretty mad.
- Chief Wiggum: Yeah I've been teasing them, starving them, singing off key.
- [Wiggum sings then gets attacked by the dogs]
- Mayor Quimby: I give you our 39th President, Jimmy Carter!
- [reveals a statue of Jimmy Carter]
- Man in Crowd #1: Aww c'mon!
- Droopy-Voiced Man: He's history's greatest monster!