The Simpsons (TV Series)

The Springfield Files (1997)

Hank Azaria: Wiseguy, Moe Szyslak, Red Tick Beer Man, Carl, Chief Wiggum, Alligator, Coma patient, Dr. Nick Riviera

Photos 

Quotes 

• Alien : I bring you love.

  Lenny : It's bringing love, don't let it get away!

  Carl : Break its legs.

  [everyone starts to advance on the alien] 

  Lisa : Wait! You want an alien? This is your alien.

  [Shines torch on alien to reveal Mr. Burns in a twisted and disoriented state] 

  Mr. Burns : [in a high-toned voice]  Hello, children. I bring you love.

  Willy : Argh. It's a monster. Kill it, kill it!

  Smithers : It's not a monster, it's Mr. Burns!

  Willy : Aww, it's Mr. Burns! KILL IT! KILL IT!

• Chief Wiggum : Well, your story is very compelling, Mr. Jackass, I mean, uh, Simpson. So I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter.

  [pantomiming doing so, humming] 

  Homer : You don't have to humiliate me.

  Pyromaniac : [entering as Homer leaves]  I just torched a building downtown and I'm afraid I'll do it again!

  Chief Wiggum : Oh, yeah, right. I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter.

  [pantomiming again, humming] 

  Chief Wiggum : Fruitcake.

• Dr. Nick Riviera : Don't worry. You won't feel a thing...

  [exhibiting a swirling mechanical device] 

  Dr. Nick Riviera : ...till I jam this down your throat!

• Moe : Who'd have thought a whale could be so heavy?

  [noticing Mulder] 

  Moe : Cheese it! The feds!

• Frog 1 : Bud...

  Frog 2 : ...Wei...

  Frog 3 : ...Ser

  Frog 1 : Bud...

  Frog 2 : ...Wei...

  Frog 3 : ...Ser

  [an alligator snatches them in his mouth] 

  Alligator : Coors!

• Homer : Take a look at this, Lisa. You don't see any "Homer is a dope" T-shirts, do you?

  Sarcastic worker : We sold those out in five minutes.

  Homer : D'oh!

  [seeing Marge and Maggie wearing one] 

  Homer : Marge, how could you?

  Marge Simpson : These shirts are 100% cotton, and look at the fine stitching on "dope".

  Homer : [to the vendor]  I'll take two.

• Kent Brockman : Tonight, on "Eyewitness News," a man who's been in a coma for 23 years wakes up.

  Coma patient : [in his hospital bed]  Do Sonny and Cher still have that stupid show?

  Kent Brockman : No. Uh, she won an Oscar, and he's a congressman.

  Coma patient : Good night!

  [his heart rate monitor flatlines] 

  Kent Brockman : [back in the studio]  But first, E.T. phone Homer... Simpson, that is.

  Homer : Marge! Kids! They're about to show my videotape.

  Kent Brockman : Local man Homer Simpson, shown here with his tongue stuck to a lamppost, has given us this videotape. It's a close encounter of the blurred kind.

• Moe : Another Duff, Homer?

  Homer : Nah. It's Friday night, Moe. I want to try something special.

  Moe : Uh, sure, sure.

  [surreptitiously drawing an umlaut over the "U"] 

  Moe : Eh, here you go. "Doof." From Sweden.

  Homer : [taking a sip]  Skoal! Wait a minute. This is Duff!

  Moe : [laughing nervously]  You got me, didn't you? All right, here you go. Red Tick Beer.

  Homer : [taking a sip]  Hmm. Bold, refreshing. And something I can't quite put my finger on.

  [cut to a Red Tick brewery, where dogs swim in a vat of beer] 

  Red Tick Beer Man : [taste-testing some]  Hmm... needs more dog.

• Moe : So, uh, who are you guys, anyhow?

  Mulder : [showing his badge]  Agents Mulder and Scully, FBI.

  Moe : [nervously]  FBI, huh? Uh, excuse me.

  [going to a back room where two associates are washing Shamu with a hose and buckets of water] 

  Moe : All right, they're onto us. Get him back to Sea World.

• Mr. Burns : A lifetime of working in a nuclear power plant has given me a healthy green glow... and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner. And now that I'm back to normal, I don't bring you peace and love. I bring you fear, famine, pestilence, and...

  Dr. Nick Riviera : Time for a booster!

  Mr. Burns : Good morning starshine...

• Homer Simpson : [describing his encounter with the alien]  Oh, it was awful. They sat me on a cold, metal table and prodded me with humiliating probes. And... oh, wait, that was my physical.

  Carl : [sarcastically]  Great story Homer, really.