The Simpsons (TV Series)

The Twisted World of Marge Simpson (1997)

Julie Kavner: Marge Simpson

Photos 

Quotes 

• Marge Simpson : How could you do this to someone you love?

  Homer Simpson : How could I not? I saw you pouring your heart and soul into this business and getting nowhere, I saw you desperately trying to cram one more salty treat into America's already-bloated snack hole, so I did what I could. I did what any loving husband would do: I reached out to some violent mobsters.

• Marge Simpson : Look at them! They've jumped on the one franchise I might have considered thinking about possibly becoming interested in.

• Fat Tony : Sorry we're late. Can we have the money now?

  Marge Simpson : The answer is no.

  Fat Tony : I'm afraid I must insist. You see, my wife, she has been most vocal on the subject of the pretzel monies. "Where is the money?" "When are you going to get the money?" "Why aren't you getting the money now?" And so on.

  [moving forward menacingly] 

  Fat Tony : So please, the money.

  Homer Simpson : You heard her. She said no.

  Fat Tony : Legs, Louie, advance on them.

• Marge Simpson : [Marge's pretzel business is going nowhere] 

  [Marge despondently looks at a poster of a cat barely hanging to a tree branch] 

  Marge Simpson : Hang in there, baby. You said it, kitty.

  [reads the small print] 

  Marge Simpson : "Copyright 1968." Hmmm. Determined or not, that cat must be long dead. That's kind of a downer.

• Marge Simpson : Are you sure the children will get enough nutrition from these pretzels?

  Principal Skinner : [speaking in a stilted, monotone voice]  Yes, I am sure.

  [pays Marge, revealing a bandage on his hand] 

  Principal Skinner : Sure as sure can be.

  Marge Simpson : Oh my God, what happened to your fingers?

  Fat Tony : [mumbling from behind the door]  Boating accident.

  Principal Skinner : I believe it was a 'boaking' accident.

  [a laser sight is pointed at his head, followed by the sound of a hammer cocking into place] 

  Principal Skinner : I have to go now.

• Marge Simpson : Your franchise, how much?

  Frank Ormand : $500.

  Marge Simpson : I'll take it!

  Frank Ormand : Congratulations, and welcome to the dynamic world of mobile pretzel retailing.

  Marge Simpson : When can I start? What's my territory?

  Frank Ormand : Eh, territory... well... well, let me tell you: wherever a young mother is ignorant of what to feed her baby, you'll be there. Wherever nacho penetration is less than total, you'll be there. Wherever a Bavarian is not quite full, you will be there.

  Marge Simpson : Don't forget fat people. They can't stop eating.

  Homer Simpson : [spotting the cart]  Hey, pretzels!

• Cletus : Give us 300 pretzels.

  Marge Simpson : You see? A little persistence and patience paid off. That'll be $300.

  Cletus : Hey, I don't think so. I got me 300 coupons.

  Marge Simpson : [taking one and grumbling]  I should have said "Limit: One per customer."

  Cletus : Should've, but didn't, so hand 'em over.

• Marge Simpson : [the Investorettes butt in on her business at the power plant]  Excuse me. I had this spot first.

  Edna Krabappel : Oh, sorry, dear. Just business. Ha!

  Marge Simpson : Well, I guess Macy's and Gimbels learned to live side by side.

  Agnes Skinner : Gimbels is gone, Marge, long gone. You're Gimbels.

• Marge Simpson : I'm not wild about these high-risk ventures. They sound a little risky.

  Maude Flanders : Oh, Marge. You are such a wet blanket.

  Edna Krabappel : If we'd listened to you, we wouldn't have sponsored that Mexican wrestler.

  Agnes Skinner : Yet she still gets to share in all the profits.

  Marge Simpson : [agreement from the others]  I guess I'm just not comfortable with the whole idea of "investing".

  Luann Van Houten : Mm, face it. You can't keep up with the go-go '90s.

  Helen Lovejoy : Well, Marge... you're about as popular as rug burn. All in favor of expelling Marge from the Investorettes...

  Edna Krabappel , Agnes Skinner , Maude Flanders , Helen Lovejoy , Luann Van Houten : [raising their hands]  Aye.

  Marge Simpson : All right, Helen. If I'm not wanted, I'll leave.

  Helen Lovejoy : You'll get your pancakes in the mail.

• Marge Simpson : I'm not cut out for the world of business.

  Frank Ormand : Ooh, you sound like me. Well, the old me, which was, ironically, the young me. I was once like you were, young lady - like all these people - lost in a sea of flashy gimmicks and empty promises. Then God tossed me a life preserver; a tasty, golden brown life preserver. Here, try a pretzel.

  Marge Simpson : [taking a bite]  Mmm! Mm, that's not bad.

  Frank Ormand : Yeah, it's not only not bad, it's knot bread. Knot bread, you get it? Ha-ha. You see?

  Marge Simpson : [sharing a laugh]  I do!

• Marge Simpson : Welcome to Pretzel Wagon. May I take your order?

  Lenny : Uh, let's see. I'll have... one, uh...

  Carl : Hey, hurry up. I wanna get my pretzel.

  Lenny : One pretzel.

  Marge Simpson : [he pays and moves on]  Thank you.

  Carl : Uh, let's see, um... I will have one of your, uh...

  Mr. Burns : Come on, come on, while we're young.

  Lenny : [honking its horn, the Fleet-A-Pita van pulls up]  Wow, check out that van. It looks like it doesn't even need our business.

  Carl : Hey, let's go.

• Marge Simpson : Who are you?

  Fat Tony : We are your business partners, and as such, we are entitled to a percentage of your profits. Something in the area of 100%.

  Marge Simpson : What are you talking about?

  Fat Tony : We suggest you have a conversation with your husband.

• Marge Simpson : And then they gave me back my $500 investment and kicked me out of the club.

  Homer Simpson : Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Back up a bit now. When are the pancakes coming in the mail?

  Marge Simpson : Well, maybe it's all for the best.

  Homer Simpson : What do you need money for, anyway? As long as I have my earning power, this family's got nothing to worry about.

  [accidentally poking himself in the eye with his hot dog] 

  Homer Simpson : Oww! Oh! Call work and tell them I won't be in tomorrow.

• Picture Perfect Guy : Now, folks, I don't want to alarm you, but scientists say 40% of America's pictures are hanging crooked.

  [mortified gasps] 

  Picture Perfect Guy : Yeah, it's true. And I hear you asking, "Well who's gonna straighten out all these artistic abominations?" Your friends? A neighbor? Those fat cats in Washington?

  [chuckling] 

  Picture Perfect Guy : Good luck. Hey, you know, maybe no one'll notice. Maybe the problem will just fix itself.

  Marge Simpson : Now you're the one who's being naive.

  Picture Perfect Guy : Okay, fair enough. But you sound like you're ready to become your own boss in the exciting world of frame-nudging. Yes, for a minimal franchise fee, you'll receive a pair of straightening gloves, a canister of wall lubricant, and a booklet of the most commonly asked questions you will hear, including "Who are you?" and "What are you doing here?".

• Marge Simpson : Homer, did you tell the Mafia they could eliminate my competitors with savage beatings and attempted murder?

  Homer Simpson : In those words? Yes.

• Edna Krabappel : Well, well, if it isn't Marge Simpson and her gangland cronies.

  Maude Flanders : Your goon squad certainly gave you the edge in the mobile snack business. But I'm afraid we've outdone you once again. Hiroshi, Yukio.

  [unveiling a group of Japanese men] 

  Maude Flanders : Perhaps you've heard of the Yakuza, the Poison Fists of the Pacific Rim? The Japanese mafia.

  Agnes Skinner : They'll kill you five times before you hit the ground!

  Fat Tony : [the two groups begin fighting]  Take that. Take this.

  [getting hit in the face with a nunchuck] 

  Fat Tony : Come here, you little squirt.

  Marge Simpson : Ooh, Homie, maybe we should go inside.

  Homer Simpson : But, Marge, that little guy hasn't done anything yet.

  [indicating a short Japanese man in a white suit] 

  Homer Simpson : Look at him. He's gonna do something and you know it's gonna be good.

  [as Marge takes him back inside, the man kiais loudly, a blow landing is heard, followed by a body thudding to the ground] 

  Homer Simpson : [disappointed]  Aw...

• Homer Simpson : You must hate me, Marge. Every time I try to help, I just fail miserably.

  Marge Simpson : Oh, I don't hate you for failing. I love you for trying.

  Lisa Simpson : [coming in with Bart]  What's going on outside?

  Marge Simpson : Oh, it's just a Mob war. Go back to sleep, honey.

• [the family arrives at the franchise fair and are greeted by a robot holding two sacks of cash in either hand who moves left and right constantly blocking the entrance] 

  Investo the Robot : Greetings, humans. I am Investo the Robot from the Planet Opportuniac. My superior brain advises you to enter the franchise fair.

  Marge Simpson : Well, we're trying to; but you're blocking our way.

  Investo the Robot : Danger! Danger! Don't forget to pick up pamphlets.

  Bart Simpson : I'll handle this.

  [Bart removes the lid off a cup of soda he's drinking and pours the liquid all over Investo short-circuiting him in the process; the family walks into the franchise once the robot falls the floor] 

  Investo the Robot : [distorted]  Help, help, help. Security code 30.