- Warden: So why do you want to become a Juvinal Hall prison guard?
- Homer: I believe the children are our future, unless we stop 'em now!
- Warden: Welcome aboard.
- [the warden holds up a nightstick]
- Warden: This end's for beating, this end's for holding.
- [gives it to Homer]
- Homer: Uh-huh. When does training start?
- Warden: It just finished.
- Bart Simpson: I hate this place! The boys beat me up, the girls beat me up.
- Marge Simpson: Honey, you shouldn't hang around with people who beat you. They're not true friends!
- Marge Simpson: [crying] My baby boy is in jail. I'm the worst mom in the world!
- Homer: It's not all your fault. All these years I watched you turn our son into a time bomb and yet I did nothing. So in a way, I too am a victim. Of you.
- Judge Constance Harm: Bart, the record of your mischief is staggering.
- [Holds up a manila folder]
- Judge Constance Harm: Just look at this file!
- Marge Simpson: That doesn't look so bad.
- Judge Constance Harm: These are directions to the facility where Bart's criminal record occupies THREE full storage lockers!
- Marge Simpson: ...Six feet by eight?
- Judge Constance Harm: Six by FOURTEEN!
- [audience gasps]
- Gina: Okay, here's my rules. Hands at ten and two, no eye contact, and I don't want to hear how pretty I look.
- Bart Simpson: Don't worry. You won't.
- Warden: Studies show the part of the brain that remembers dance steps is also the anger center. So, juveniles who know how to foxtrot are 10 percent less likely to commit a double homicide.
- Delinquent: Who conducted this study?
- Warden: The Institute of Shut-Your-Fat-Face!
- Warden: [Handcuffing Bart and Gina together] You two'll dance, and you'll like it. Then you'll have punch, and you'll drink it. Then your eyes'll meet, and it will be awkward. So help me God.
- Mayor Quimby: If anyone asks, you're my niece.
- Quimby's niece: I am your niece.
- Mayor Quimby: Oh god, I'm an abomination.