South Park (TV Series)
The Jeffersons (2004)
Trey Parker: Stan Marsh, Eric Cartman, Michael Jackson, Randy Marsh, Chris Stotch, Sergeant Yates, Officer Murphy, Officer Johnson, Maggie Yates
Quotes
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Gerald Brofloski : So, Mr. Jefferson, I hear you're from Kentucky.
Michael Jackson : Uh yeah, Kentucky, yeah.
Randy Marsh : I thought you all were from Illinois.
Michael Jackson : No, that's ignorant.
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Cartman : Kyle, if you mess this up, so help me God I will rip your balls of with my bare hands! WITH MY BARE HANDS, GODDAMN YOU!
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Cartman : Excuse my French, Mrs Marsh but you can suck my fat hairy balls.
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Sgt. Harrison Yates : Let's give Blackie a welcome home.
[Mr. Jefferson turns around to reveal his face]
Sgt. Harrison Yates : Whoa, wait a m... That guy isn't black! Holy God, his son isn't black either! Oh Jesus!
[Over CB]
Sgt. Harrison Yates : This is Yates, stand down! I repeat, stand down! Suspect is not black!
[to Harris]
Sgt. Harrison Yates : You son of a bitch, you told me this guy was African American!
Det. Harris : It says right here on the filo sheet he is.
Sgt. Harrison Yates : Does that look like a black guy to you?
Det. Harris : It says so on the filo sheet.
Sgt. Harrison Yates : Jesus Christ monkey balls! We could have made an innocent man go to jail who wasn't black.
[Vomits]
Sgt. Harrison Yates : Jesus, Harris, what have we become? We're supposed to protect the people. Where have we lost our way?
Det. Harris : Sir, it's possible he is black, even though he doesn't look it.
Sgt. Harrison Yates : To hell with you! I'm never gonna frame an innocent man again unless I know he's black for sure!
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Kenny : [after Kyle, Stan and Blanket come running into the room] You guys. What the hell is going on out there?
Mr Jefferson : Blanket come and play with me.
Kenny : Oh wait. I'm not blanket. Stop! Stop!
[Mr Jefferson throws Kenny so high that his head gets lodged in the ceiling and he bleeds to death]
Stan : Oh my god! He killed Kenny!
Kyle : You bastard!
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Stan : Hey, thanks for doing this for us, Kenny.
Kenny : Yeah. sure, whatever.
Stan : We've got to rescue Blanket from Mr. Jefferson.
Kenny : Aren't am I too big to be Blanket?
Kyle : I don't think Mr. Jefferson pays enough attention his son to notice.
Kenny : All right, but you guys owe me big time.
Stan : Sure, whatever. At least you finally get to do something.
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Blanket : Hey, guys!
Kyle : Hi, Blanket. Uh look, we're going to help my dad chop wood. You wanna come with?
Blanket : Really? You mean it?
Michael Jefferson : [Michael Jackson] Oh yay! My friends are here. Come inside and play.
Stan : Um, actually, Mr. Jefferson, we were seeing if *Blanket* wanted to chop wood with us.
Michael Jefferson : Chop wood? No, that's ignorant. That's poopie work. Blanket and me wanna play.
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Kenny : [after Kyle, Stan and Blanket come running into the room] You guys, what the hell is going on out there?
Mr Jefferson : Blanket, come and play with me.
Kenny : Oh, wait. I'm not blanket. Stop! Stop!
[Mr Jefferson throws Kenny so high that his head gets lodged in the ceiling and he bleeds to death]
Stan : Oh, my God! He killed Kenny!
Kyle : You bastard!
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Michael Jefferson : [after he nearly dropped Blanket out the window, Blanket is crying] Blanket, shh, stop crying. It's okay, here look:
[does the Moonwalk]
Michael Jefferson : Hee hee! Ow! Blanket, shh, hey look, look: I got your nose, Blanket. I got your nose. I got your nose, Blanket, see?
Blanket : Ha ha ha ha.
[tries to play back and actually pulls Michael's nose off]
Blanket : Aah!
Michael Jefferson : No, Blanket, stop. It's ignorant, you're being ignorant.
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Michael Jefferson : [a police spotlight shines on him] Gah!
[in a frightened tone]
Michael Jefferson : Hee hee!
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Sgt. Harrison Yates : [about Michael Jefferson] He doesn't really look that black.
Sgt. Snetzl : Yeah, I know... Hold on a second, there was one we framed a couple of times. But the black bastard was so rich he made bail and disappeared before the trial.
Sgt. Harrison Yates : You say he disappeared? What did you frame him for?
Sgt. Snetzl : We found some kids that had stayed over at his place, so we asked them to lie and make-up some false molestation charges.
Sgt. Harrison Yates : Molestation, nice.
Sgt. Snetzl : Yeah, it was a lot of work. Took years. But we were finally able to arrest him. Then we planted some evidence, took some embarrassing photos of his penis and threw him in a dirty prison cell with doody feces on the walls. You should have seen him squirm.
Sgt. Harrison Yates : That's damn fine police work. Damn fine.
Sgt. Snetzl : Yeah, but the point is, this guy didn't really look black either. We had to sneak in while he was asleep and get a DNA sample to be sure.
Sgt. Harrison Yates : Jesus Christ monkey balls. It must be the same guy.
-
Sgt. Harrison Yates : Freeze, Jefferson, the gig is up. you are wanted for child molestation!
Cartman : No! I am sick and tired of people harrassing Mr. Jefferson. All I've been hearing since Mr. Jefferson moved here are sick lies: that he molests children, that he's a bad father, that he had plastic surgery.
Michael Jackson : That's ignorant.
[His chin falls off. He puts it back on]
Cartman : Sure, maybe Mr. Jefferson is a little different. But that's because he had to work all the time when he was young and missed out on his childhood. What's wrong with wanting to have the innocence and beauty of a child?
Kyle : All right, let's just say all the bad things said about Mr. Jefferson are lies. Let's just say the police do just go around spending their time framing people for crimes they didn't commit. Let's say it's all made up and Mr. Jefferson is just a nice guy who is trying to be a child because he never had a childhood. Well that's fine, except he has children now, and when people have children, they have to GROW UP!
Michael Jackson : You're right. I've been so obsessed with my childhood that I've forgotten about Blanket's. I thought having lot's of rides and toys was enough, but Blanket doesn't need a playmate. He needs a father and a normal life. Blanket, I wanna give away all my money. I wanna get a normal job and take a shot at raising you in a normal setting.
Sgt. Harrison Yates : Well, if you're gonna give away all your money, I guess we'll drop the charges. No point in putting another poor black man in jail.
Kyle : All right. Things just might work out.
-
Randy Marsh : Stan, time to get up for school. Stan? What the...
[Sees Michael Jefferson a.k.a Michael Jackson, in bed with Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Blanket]
Randy Marsh : Mr. Jefferson!
Michael Jackson : Oh, uh, we were just having a slumber party.
Randy Marsh : Mr. Jefferson, this is highly inappropriate.
Michael Jackson : Inappropriate? No, you're being ignorant. They're my friends. You see, I didn't have a childhood so I'm really just a child myself. Here, everything's okay. I want you each to have $100.
Randy Marsh : Wow. I'm gonna go buy that new sport coat I've been wanting.
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Sgt. Harrison Yates : [as he's considering resigning from the force about framing rich black people for crimes they didn't commit] Sometimes the charges are dropped because someone said the N word too many times.
