- Jake Harper: [just caught his teacher in the kitchen, half dressed, with Charlie] Oh, this is more wrong than the time I saw Santa peeing at the mall!
- Judith Harper: [to Alan] Your son gave his teacher the "bird".
- Charlie Harper: Okay, I want it on the record. He didn't necessarily...
- [first lines]
- Alan Harper: [at Jake's school] I don't know what he did, Charlie. The teacher just called and told me to come get him.
- Charlie Harper: Well, I want it on the record. If the kid was running a blackjack game under the bleachers, he didn't necessarily get the idea from me.
- Charlie Harper: [Alan burns Charlie a 'look'] What? I said he didn't!