- Charlie Harper: [Alan asks Charlie why he isn't out on a date with his new lady friend] Sherri? I'm playing that slow.
- Alan Harper: Really? Do you mean at, uh, a leisurely pace, or as if you were developmentally challenged?
- Alan Harper: [fighting over homework] Why can't you just learn it now?
- Jake Harper: Because there's only so much space in my brain that if you put Magellan in there, I might forget my locker combination.
- Alan Harper: [Charlie plans to break up with Sherri] Why?
- Charlie Harper: Because she's a self-centered, manipulative narcissist.
- Alan Harper: So are you.
- Charlie Harper: Hello?
- Berta: Alan. Got a riddle for you. What's short, sticky, picky and only supposed to be here on the weekends? I'll give you a hint: it's your kid.
- Alan Harper: Look, if you feel so strongly about this girl, why don't you just call her?
- Charlie Harper: Yeah, sure, I could call her. I could also Fed-Ex her my testicles in a little silk bag.
- Rose: Let's review. She's gorgeous, but she's also self-centered. She's promiscuous, she's commitment phobic...
- Charlie Harper: Oh, my God! I'm dating myself! No wonder the sex is so good.